I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a cycle of fear. Nobody ever talks about fear, except to say let it go. As if I wouldn’t if I could be free instead. Fear is ugly. We don’t like to admit we have fear. It shows weakness, a lack of conviction, loss of personal power, a rift in the habit of prayer or a lack of discipline. Why pray when you can worry?
My fears are projections, to be sure. I’m not actually in any kind of immediate danger. What if my fears are unfounded? All I know is that it is 4 a.m. and my stomach is in one big hard knot. I have a lot of things I can worry about, some rather trivial and some quite serious dilemmas. Worry is a bad habit and I have well developed neural pathways for it. It doesn’t take much to speed along that highway. I need a runaway truck ramp for this heavy load.
Sometimes I just have to be with it. To talk to myself as if I am my only child; to be patient and soft. Soft. Not strong. I need to be just 10% more curious than afraid. Find just 10% more humor than skepticism…
“I will dream as I see fit.” – Phil, American Dreamer
A Painterly Home 
Interesting pair of videos.
The movie looks awesome, btw.
Sometimes you DO have to rock your inner baby to sleep, especially when you’re ALWAYS the one whom the neediest turn to. The conundrum is that at least THEY have someone to turn to, maybe for even a modicum of security, but you, (the port in the storm,) are left alone to sort it out. It’s a bite to be vulnerable when you’ve been burned out by narcissists. A bloody chicken, being pecked to death in a coop comes to mind. To abuse survivors, showing vulnerable traits can be dangerous.
Meanwhile, breathe! You are loved and welcomed by people and spirit, and your writing gives me pause. That’s not a bad thing.
I can only close with platitudes…carry the light, KNOW that you are wise and strong.
As my Dad used to say, “It’ll all come clean in the wash.”