This happens to be one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies, the very romantic comedy, The Holiday:
“You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God’s sake…” I think it’s one of my favorite movie scenes because I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in therapy trying to learn some common sense – the common sense that says: if you are trying too hard, stop. Just stop. You checked your self-respect and integrity at the door of Narcissist Land. Pick them up on your way back out – running!
My life has been changing rapidly these past few weeks. In transition now for the past couple of years, I hope to be able to settle soon into a new home in a new city, and begin a new life…it is terrifying and exciting. With the impending move, an acquaintance is becoming a friend, and she is going through a painful breakup. We are examining our addictions to emotionally unavailable men, and reflecting on our co-dependent behaviors. Blah blah blah…there’s THAT ugly subject again.
But I am more intensely -and consciously- dealing with my loneliness as I distance myself from close proximity to the alcoholics and addicts I LOVE…some of my closest family and friends. According to Melody Beattie of Codependent No More, I am not an enabler…I am a Master Enabler. And having just celebrated my sixtieth birthday, it is time to grow up…insert here Neil Sedaka singing…but replace the word BREAKING with the word GROWING! That’s a gas, man…
“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” -Agnes Repplier, The Treasure Chest
“The light has come.” -ACIM, Lesson 75
For my darling women friends, and my dear new friend…she knows who she is!
Last week a friend emailed a song for me to download onto my iTunes, a song that she felt would help inspire me through this tumultuous time as I move into my new life. As is often the case, the YouTube song brought up others by the same artist. I have never been familiar with the music of Nina Simone, but I am smitten. She sings ’em like she means ’em…
Life in a human body is pretty terrifying much of the time, isn’t it?! I woke at four a.m. this morning in a state of terror, as I often do. I am talking physiological adrenaline rushing hot nauseous get to the toilet my life is being threatened terror. Not panic – this is not your run of the mill anxiety attack. Xanax won’t help this.
Is my life being threatened? Only by stress. I will spare you the tedious list of accumulated problems, but in fact, I am not in any immediate danger. I do not have any life threatening disease. I am not going hungry. The wolves at the door are virtual…my brain and body, however, are taking the information fed them daily from the onslaught of difficulties, and creating an emotional swamp of harmful interpretations…
Pardon me, but fuck this shit.
At this rate the miss-interpretations themselves might kill me. At four in the morning there isn’t anyone to call…and so, I do the only thing I can do: I turn on the light, sometimes several – and chase the demons by reading from The Course in Miracles. I know some people can get solace from reading the Bible. It doesn’t work for me. This does. Something in these pages seeps in through the heart pounding terror and the tears blurring the pages and slows the effects…even though, most of the time, I don’t understand a thing it is talking about.
The itchy hotness becomes a comforting warmth…my heart rate steadies…I begin to notice clues in my immediate environment that would indicate danger is abated – like my dogs are snoring. And slowly my body begins to relax, and then finally I am in the world…but not of it. Love wins.
This is freedom. The goal, of course, is to live in this state, whether danger is real or imagined…whether pain is physical or psychological, whether the words make sense or nothing does. It takes practice…and it’s the only game in town. This is the science of magic! Sometimes, I even get my sense of humor back…daylight come and we wanna go home…
This guy is brilliant, and explains my God. As an energy force, here, now. He explains how God is WITH us, FOR us, and AHEAD of us…in a way we can relate to in everyday life. He explains how science explains God. This is FASCINATING, well worth the time investment. I skipped the music and began watching at 14:37.
Do yourself a favor…because this WILL change your life.
But before we get to the interior design stuff…yes, I know I’ve been promising…I’ll make good…but meanwhile – have you noticed something? Is it just me, or does it seem like life has suddenly gotten very real here on earth? There is Pope Francis, who even those of us not Catholic – or even religious – can actually relate to…like he’s a real down to-earth-in-touch-with-what’s-going-on-out-here person…
And then, there’s Commander Chris Hadfield singing to us:
Check out his video series, and his book, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth…We might be getting the hang of this! And maybe just in the nick of time…our hearts are opening…and we are waking up to the beauty all around and within each one of us.
Happy. New. Year. Yes, Thank you…don’t mind if I do….
One year ago I started this blog. I thought it would be a blog about interior design…I just didn’t realize it would be about MY interior – literally. I was in crisis – physically, mentally, and certainly emotionally. I don’t care to review that…I am more than ready to move on. But this has served to help in my healing process in more ways than I could have imagined then. And now – now I am so looking forward to this new year, to see what it holds, to experience the changes that have only just begun to manifest…Thank you for joining me.
Please do yourself a life-changing favor and watch the video of this commencement speech. I wish I had heard it years ago, and I hope his audience realizes that this is worth more than all the previous days of their education.
This is why I study A Course in Miracles; it teaches us that miracles are hidden in the ordinary, that “this is a required course,” that free will means that you can CHOOSE what has meaning and what doesn’t. It isn’t easy…it IS the capital T truth, it is about LIFE BEFORE DEATH.
Are some of us truly more blessed than others? Do we hold some special favor in the heart of God? Some higher position in the cosmic consciousness? I don’t believe that…
As I’ve mentioned in past missives here, people have told me for decades that I am living a charmed life; I have often wondered what they meant by that. It seems to be true in some ways, and yet, like everyone, I manage to ignore that fact for long periods of time and make astronomical screw-ups which I then defend – and further spend copious amounts of time wending my way free of!
As a young child I was clairvoyant. I had no idea what that was; I’m not sure I understand it even now. But I had an uncanny awareness of the near future. I would often dream of the people and places of the next few days. I would meet people who I had met in last night’s dream, and then greet them with familiarity – or speak some detail of their life they never would have shared with better friends. Needless to say, my narrating the upcoming day from the perspective of the car’s booster seat proved a bit disconcerting to my young parents. Waking them at two a.m. screaming that I was dead and I could hear the angels was even less endearing.
Aside, let me just say: Never tell a psychic they have a gift. We are all born this way, of that I am sure. Any adult with this ability still intact has lived through hell as a child. By it’s very nature, this so-called “gift” is very isolating. You learn to keep your mouth shut. Were that naive child not already living a very lonely and isolated existence, I’m sure that inner knowing would subside, could it be willed away.
However, survived into adulthood, it turns out this IS a gift of great magnitude, but not for the reasons you think…not because you can tell others their future. The future is not given us to know for a reason. The mystery of discovering our common future is how we evolve our consciousness toward our mutual enlightenment – it’s how we learn to be happy and get the heck out of our own way.
This gift – the gift of KNOWING rather than believing – that there is an invisible reality playing itself out here on the face of this planet, as well as in the heavens- is priceless. Yes, there are heavens. I have roamed them. Yes, there is also a hell; I’ve met it’s demons face to face. They’re intimidating. Having had no formal religious training, I was nevertheless well prepared. Don’t try to tell me there isn’t a God. I won’t think you a fool, just sadly uninformed.
But today I have another story to share. It is again about my Mother, my own personal Mary Poppins. She died ten years ago. (I haven’t recovered yet – I’ll keep you posted.) Meanwhile, a few months later, I happened to meet the owner of an art gallery. I happened to need a job, and she happened to need an employee. And so, our ten year friendship began…her name is Marion.
Marion is another Mary Poppins. I know – hard to believe my good fortune. Two in one lifetime. Only in hindsight do I get to have the perspective of seeing the workings of divine intervention. I’ve had glimpses – like the RAYHOPE experience (see my post of August 21st, 2013.) Truth be told, I am astonishingly blessed with several friends who have saved my ass – I mean life – more times than I’d care to review. Coincidence? You don’t still believe in those, do you? (If so, see my post of August 21st, 2013.)
Well, a couple of weeks ago, Marion bought me a house. Suffice it to say, it’s a long story that got us both to that magical day. And, yes, I will buy the house back from her…but, with my house under contract and no set closing date, we “happened” upon the perfect home for me. It was a deal that would not last long on the market, and was generating second viewings 3 days into it’s listing. She insisted that God told her to do this, and scooped it up so I wouldn’t lose it. If there is one thing I have learned from Marion, it is that when God speaks, you act. She trusts that inner knowing like no one I have met before. She is my friend, my chosen family; I live so charmed and blessed.
The next morning I woke in an altered state. And as often happens, knowing came over me as a wave of heat and nerves. And the memories fell one into the other, like dominoes perfectly aligned. This was my Mother’s doing. (My Mother doing God’s bidding.) Not just the house. The entire ten years. Meeting Marion. The job, the friendships, the failed marriage, the deaths, the healings. All of it. I burst into tears. It’s a hard phenomenon to explain to anyone who doesn’t consciously remember these experiences (we all have them.) But I knew. My life is divinely ordered.
Mary Poppins is family to me. It’s no coincidence this movie is coming out December 20th. I’ll be at the theater. It’s no coincidence that it stars my favorite actress; it’s no coincidence that she’s the spitting image of my young mother, Doris.
To Marion, and all the Good Witches who bless my life; you don’t know what you mean to me.
Oh how very, very blessed I am feeling today…a quiet day cooking at home with my son, Steven. We put Playing for Change on the radio as we snack on deviled eggs and prepare our Thanksgiving feast: Roast turkey, baked sweet potatoes, wild rice, steamed broccoli and carrots, a big, bold salad full of olives and avocado, cranberry sauce, and on and on…almost too much. We talk about how fortunate we are. Steven is ten years a survivor of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Most members of our family have survived cancer; we have all survived generations of physical, sexual and mental abuse, and most every addiction known. Steven gets to count today as one successful day without a cigarette.
We are alone today because our family is widespread across the Midwest and south to Florida, with friends around the country…I am estranged from a sister, but spoke to my niece at their house. They are eating well despite the hardships. My father, alive eight years out from a terminal diagnosis, is having too much food with my brother. The same is true for my other siblings…
Today my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. I hope yours is, too. My dogs get gravy on their food tonight. I shovel snow to get out to fill the suet cages and watch the patient woodpeckers fly in. I pray for grace for all those displaced and hungry who aren’t enjoying our bounty. I am thankful to all of the soldiers willing to put their own lives aside for this privilege, even as I pray that we soon find another way to coexist on this shrinking planet.
For Steven. Thanks, Babe. I love you.
“Lay down your arms, and come without defense into the quiet place where Heaven’s peace holds all things still at last. Lay down all thoughts of danger and of fear. Lay down the cruel sword of judgement you hold against your own throat, and put aside the withering assaults with which you seek to hide your holiness.” -A Course in Miracles
My home just sold. After twenty-some years living in a small mid-western town, I am moving back to a larger city. Never having locked my doors here, I search for a key to give the new owners at closing. The home I will move into has an alarm system. My sister tells me that’s a good thing, as a single woman moving to a strange place. I have two dogs who would feign protection, but truth is, their affections can be bought with cheap lunch meat. Commandos we are not.
Last night’s news told of the growing number of women buying firearms (now, THAT’S scary!) and taking classes with them. I won’t be among them. It isn’t that I begrudge them any sense of security this might provide, it’s just that I can’t believe in it. I suspect that, like violence, fear begets fear. You see, I am invested in overcoming the familial habit of being afraid to participate fully in life…My adorable mother lived most of her life afraid of just about everything, from spiders in the basement to the greedy salesman out to take advantage. At the young age of sixty-nine, the cancer of her fears overtook her.
“In my defenselessness my safety lies” has long been one of my favorite lessons from A Course In Miracles. It isn’t speaking of physical strength, but rather of a conscious approach to life. I have learned through personal failure that I scare myself far worse than anyone else ever could, and I have come to treasure my vulnerability.
For a period of time, I may live with the new security system as I get to know my neighborhood. I doubt I’ll keep it. My gut will direct me to right action. Grief was the tuition exacted for having learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to learn to trust my intuition. I am not about to relinquish my hard earned security to the world.
“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life, and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I’ve wanted to do.” – Georgia O’Keefe
A Painterly Home 