Category Archives: natural disasters

with every mistake…

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“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” -unknown

My dear friend (who we affectionately refer to as Ramda) came to visit. My son nicknamed her that because we revere her wisdom. We live about an hours’ drive apart, on a good weather day. Since we are located in the NW region of Michigans’ lower peninsula, good weather days are random. In the winter months – November through April – the roads are going to be treacherous many days and impassible some. But it is spring now, so better. Unfortunately, this entire northern half of the lower peninsula has been experiencing record flooding. My friend got tired of me putting off a visit. I’m grieving and having panic attacks lately. Long distance driving is a daunting obstacle.

So she decided to come here. And then all hell broke loose in the form of thunderstorms and high winds. Many roads were washed away. The people who live in Traverse City have been told that the repairs will likely take six months or more. The damage is widespread, and given the weather this time of year, could potentially get worse. Ramda had to set a long, circuitous route and go north into the Leelanau peninsula and then come south to me. But she insisted, and I am grateful for her wisdom and her company.

As it happened, the sun was shining that day. We bundled ourselves against the forty degree temperatures and ventured to the nearby lighthouse for a beach walk. I pocketed only a few stones. As with most everything in my current life, I have refined my collecting habits. Now I only collect rocks shaped like hearts, or pink granite with a green line running through it. They grace my windowsills and sinks. These are the same beach stones that caught my eye as a child along these beaches. I’d tell you I’m in my second childhood, but anyone who has known me long will tell you – I never left my first. And it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

She and I sat on the bench and had our usual deep, loving conversation…and some good ol’ belly laughs. Somehow we got on the subject of language itself, one of my favorite topics. We started talking about recent buzzwords that have entered the cultural vernacular. Words like envisage. And conversate. Soon we were cracking ourselves up using those in sentences…you kinda had to be there. But really, why? I see; I visualize. Feel free to envisage yourself right along…I talk. I don’t conversate. Whatever.

Anyway (which does not, nor has ever had, an S on the end, people) we had a lovely visit. These early spring days are glorious here. Exactly what I need for healing. I am more and more acutely aware of the collateral beauty. You know what that is, right? It’s the inherent beauty in all life, in being alive on the planet earth exactly where you are now. For reasons beyond me, it is far more noticeable when you are in a state of grief. I want to learn to be aware of it always. I want to learn to live with heightened senses, from inside a state of grace and compassion. To miss my lost beloveds and to see and hear them in the earth as it comes alive again.

My son and I have decided that we love living here near the water. Our little village has everything we need. When I was looking for a place to move I wanted to be off the beaten track (not in the drop-by zone) but with the most important amenities: a library, a post office, and a grocery store. I also got a wonderful local bookstore and several restaurants, and a six-bed hospital with world class medical care. But we do live on, as we call it, “the edge of the world.”

This is a destination, not a pass-through place. It is our own thin place. And it is just right for us.

…and smoke.

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Petrichor and lilacs…and smoke. The rain let up yesterday evening, and today we have had to close up the house. Despite delightfully cool temperatures, the air is thick with the smoke from the Canadian wildfires. I have gone from loving the smell of the rain and blooming lilacs to an air quality advisory. Now the weather report includes the “smoke map.” The stars are no longer visible in the night sky.

“Sensitive groups, such as those with respiratory issues, are advised to take precautions.” Like what?! Stop breathing?! Suddenly (or not) the world has become a scary place. I don’t say that lightly; it is not lost on me that it long has been for many people. Let alone nature. God help us.

It is five a.m. as I write this. Later this morning my air conditioners will be installed and run – not to cool the house (the current outside temperature is fifty degrees) – but to filter the air. Many people here live without air conditioning as it isn’t frequently needed. Or, I should say, wasn’t. Again, the privilege not being lost on me. It’s the wildlife I’m most concerned with. Especially the birds. Especially the migrating birds, heading north this time of year to summer in Canada. Where do they go now? I fear that I sound ridiculously naive, and perhaps I am…perhaps I am…

And so, fear triggers in me a reminder to pull back. Pull my energy back into my body and focus on the present moment. Remember that each breath is a sacred gift. If again I sound naive, so be it. I am reminded by Tiokisin Ghosthorse that it is not so much my lungs that I should be concerned with. It’s my heart. My heart hurts.

yellow moon on the rise

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Ugh. I’m not sure where to start here today. This writing thing isn’t getting any easier with time. It keeps me raw. I’m so fortunate that I no longer have to function in social or business situations. I no longer have to work everyday. It’s the lifestyle I’ve wanted all of my adult life…I’m living the dream. Ha.

I like to think I’m pretty self aware. Three people close to me to have directly said to me, “you are not as self aware as you think you are.” These occurrences were separate and years apart. THEY brought the subject up. One of these people was a former husband, one was someone I almost married, and the other was my sister. As it happens, I am no longer in contact with any of them. They are all blatant narcissists. Undiagnosed, of course, because narcissists don’t do therapy (let alone introspection), two are covert and one overt. We got along fine as long as I was in people pleasing mode and they were in control. So pardon me if their opinion of me doesn’t matter a rat’s ass.

I repeat, I like to think I’m pretty self aware. I’m aware enough to know that this is a life-long process and that it is humbling. We all have blind spots in our self awareness. We all have an unconscious. If we didn’t we would be enlightened, and while I’m sure there are enlightened people around, I do not personally know any of them. The rest of us are all in the ‘I coulda had a V-8’ school of human experience.

At the moment, I am doing well, other than being quite concerned about a few people I’m close to. These three people, who I am in regular contact with, are all dealing with the aftermath of the recent natural disasters. My son’s father lost his home in hurricane Helene and hasn’t been able to even begin to think about rebuilding or moving on since Milton hit. He won’t have a home again for some months. But he and his partner are safe and have a temporary place to live.

The other, a dear friend, is ill with RSV and has only yesterday been able to get to a doctor in Florida. She spent days in bed with no power, food or drinking water. No one could get to her because the roads were blocked by downed trees and power lines. At least now she has medicine and can hopefully make a fast recovery.

The third person I am concerned about is my son. Here, in NW lower Michigan, where we have not had severe weather. Because he is going through what I can only call a dark night of the soul, and it is a direct result of the recent hurricanes. He was sick worrying about his Dad. He felt utterly helpless. Then a friend and fellow carpenter reached out to him. A few local men were getting together to travel down to North Carolina and work for a volunteer agency, helping to clean up and rebuild. Could he please join them?

Now, my son is a genius (identified early in his school career by doctors, not just because I think so.) But he is also an empath. He would have to give this request a great deal of thought. He knew that he would have to “go into warrior mode,” and put up a shield. Through this agency and men he knows who were already down there, he was seeing a gruesome picture of death and devastation – far beyond what the nightly news was reporting. Could he keep it together and be useful was his concern. He decided he would volunteer, filled out the requisite paperwork, and began pulling his gear together. I was just trying not to panic.

It seemed to actually be helping him mentally. At least he had a goal, a focus. As he said, a channel for his grief. But it was not to be. He got news last night that the government was shutting down all volunteer operations and moving the military in. And his grief has increased. He is back to feeling absolutely helpless.

Now, between you and I, hearing him talk to me last night was triggering. But I was determined to listen and not respond; to let him talk it through. I trust him. I trust his genius to take him where he needs to go. I also know how to identify when I am being triggered and why. And I can tell you exactly what I saw in my head: I am 16 years old. I am laying on the carpet of my bedroom in front of a small television set. I am watching the Vietnam war. I see a Vietnamese child running naked on fire. I keep having to run to the bathroom to vomit.

It was the first time in my sheltered childhood that I had witnessed trauma. I had not yet lost anyone near to me. I still had four grandparents and two great-grandparents, and all of my immediate family. They would face death shortly thereafter, but at the time I was entirely unaware of our fragility.

I also trust what my son was telling me, and I know he wasn’t sharing all he knew. I know the worst of any human suffering never makes the television reports. The advertisers don’t like it. And from the perspective of age I now can know that my son is grieving deeper traumas than the obvious. Helpless is the very definition of grief. Like any of us who are given the great privilege of time, he will come to terms with his smallness, his vulnerability, his place within the world. He says he doesn’t know what to do with all of this anger and grief. He doesn’t know how to switch it off, how to go back to functioning fully. How to return to life.

All I can say to him is that life will never be the same again. I tell him he’ll come though it, but he won’t ever be the same. One day perhaps I will tell him my stories. I will remind him what he faced when diagnosed with cancer in his early twenties. But not today. I cannot help him today; I can only listen and trust. Author Elizabeth Gilbert says, “you can’t avoid grief. It knows your home address.” So it would seem.