Category Archives: Olafur Arnalds

Feb13

what if the silence said it

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In the dream I convinced her she needed her hair trimmed. I’d have done anything to get her to stay just a little while longer. I miss my Mom so much. I could always count on her, talk to her about anything. She’s been gone 23 years next month. It’s never gotten easier. I am still grieving, always will be I guess. This is who I am now apparently. Grief is my jam.

Lately, well meaning friends ask when I will get another cat or dog. I give them a respectable answer – it doesn’t really matter what it is. They need to hear that I’m okay in a way they can understand. I could certainly love another animal. So many are waiting to be adopted, to rescue someone like me…but they won’t be my spirit companion, my Chew. He isn’t replaceable any more than someone else could be my mother. I can’t expect anyone else to understand that. I don’t understand it. But I don’t need to.

My life is full of worries. Silly contrived concerns of all manner following me throughout my days. And nights. Mom knew. Chewy knew. They loved me in spite of myself. Didn’t give a whit what the world brought to the door on any given day, they were just happy to be together. She was my person. I was his person. Everybody needs a person.

My heart is tender. I don’t want to fix it. I’m not much for conversation these days. I got nuthin’. The world has too much talk.

Maybe it’s just February. Maybe it’s my aging body. Maybe it’s the young deer in the woods behind my house, laying in the hay I spread on the back hill. They stare at me through the big picture window as if they get it. Maybe it’s thousands of tender hearts lining the streets as the monks walk for peace. They get it. In the silence the peace is expanding.

Feb2

what if the dreams are ours to keep?

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We did it! We did it! We survived January! Woohoo…let’s celebrate already. It is still brutally cold outside, but I do sense the days getting a bit longer, and we have had some intermittent sunshine the past few days. It makes such a dramatic difference in the way I feel. Apparently I have terrible seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and I think I always have had it, since childhood.

I’ve had a lot of things since childhood…ha! Autism and ADHD and anxiety and…and…a great big open musical heart and a pretty good mind and some artistic talent…and best of all, an innate curiosity about how life works and a sense of wonder about the world. I wouldn’t want me any other way.

And in my deep and endless curiosity I have always asked, myself and you: what if? What if, in fact, we are right where we need to be doing exactly what we need to be doing? What if, as Einstein posed, everything is a miracle? I’ve always known the truth of it – as have you – somewhere deep inside. And the 238 days of January just reminded me. I need reminding, seemingly constantly.

I need reminding that the world was made to be free in. I need reminding that all life is precious. I need reminding that I am enough – just right, in fact. Not too big, too small, too smart, too stupid, too much. And most especially, I all too often need reminding – SO ARE YOU. You’re just right.

I’ve left far too many people behind. They silently disappeared in the rear view mirror when I moved away. They ghosted me out of anger and frustration. They threw up their hands in defeat and walked away. They drank themselves into oblivion. I told them off and never looked back. They died of cancer. Their heart gave out. Some I didn’t really know. And some I didn’t know how to lose and I still haven’t caught my breath. All just right, right where they needed to be, doing exactly what they needed to be doing. It’s hard to trust, but it has to be. It has to all be sacred. Nothing else makes any sense.

What if…what if we wake in the afterlife, in the many mansions prepared for us, and find we brought all our dreams with us? What if, as I hope, we get to meet everyone again under different circumstances, in peace? Without expectations or need. Just love…

…just love. These are wild historical times we are living in. Everything gets overwhelming every day. And yet something inside us recognizes the moment as a choice. Love or fear. Trust or doubt. Yes or no. If every choice, every thought, every action boils down to yes or no it suddenly becomes straightforward. Yes to love. No to everything else. That doesn’t always mean it is easy, but it is simple. What if…we were made for a time such as this? What if it is all just right right now? What if…we didn’t know we were ready?