How to drive me to contemplate murder? Talk to me. It’s just about that simple. Okay…not really. Although, I wouldn’t risk it first thing in the morning if I were you. Dear Jen, who I consider a kindred spirit, explains how her introvert-ness works. She is right on. But I must differ on a couple of points. I went through a nervous breakdown (or breakthrough?) about a decade ago. I’ve written about it here in previous posts. I slowly and painfully extricated myself from Manville, where I was being held hostage in the House of Curmedgeons. I divorced my husband, my father, and my brother all at once. I didn’t want to. But they were killing me.

They were so dysfunctional and I had tried absolutely everything I could think of to try to make that household work for all of us. And one day something snapped inside me, and I was done. Done. In many ways I think of it as a near death experience; at least that’s a great metaphor. Subconsciously I knew it was them or me, and I chose to live. I chose me.

I was actually rescued by a friend who bought a house for me to live in, in her heroic effort to save my life and entice me away from my family. It worked. I literally credit her with saving my life, and she knows this. She was watching me struggle to find a place to rent with my 2 dogs, very little money, and an insatiably needy family of addicts who were sucking the life out of me.

It broke me. At least, my nervous system. I thought that some time to heal would result in my becoming “nice” again. All I needed was some uninterrupted rest and I’d bounce back. It hasn’t happened. I had stayed far too long.

And when I recently admitted that, yes, I am autistic, and yes, I am ADHD, that changed me also. It has served to explain my entire life. I’ve been burnt out on caretaking and people pleasing – probably since high school. Maybe earlier. I became the parent in my childhood home around the age of 10. I often tucked my drunken parents into bed around 2:30 a.m. after loosening their clothes. And then I got back up a few hours later to help dress my younger siblings for school. I was in survival mode, and I would live in survival mode until….well, I’ll have to keep you posted.

As wise woman Jen of Silver and Solo alludes to here, there is not enough solitude. There just isn’t. There never will be in this lifetime. I overdid it. Big, noisy family growing up. Big, noisy retail and service careers. I was on duty every waking moment. I’m off duty now. It was hell getting here, and I have remorse about how it was accomplished. It was not pretty, or nice. I have no use for nice. I’m a good person, but nice won’t be happening.

You always know where you stand with me. If you are in my life, know that you are invited, cherished, respected. Without any patience left in my energy reserve, I am asking for your patience. And sometimes there will be months where I disappear. When I was younger I’d laugh naively about this, telling people I’d “gone south for the winter…” Know that I’m doing the best I can. Please take a number.