“When I came to understand that there are mythic patterns in all our lives, I knew we were all living a life we were told was reserved for gods, heroes and saints…” – Deena Metzger, Miracle at Canyon de Chelly
Within my mind and physiology lie mine fields and booby-traps too many to pass through with any hope of coming out whole. Every self-doubt, every ache or pain that beckons me back to bed mid-day, failures too many to list…where will this get me?
So pervasive, so insidious these habits; who am I to hope for anything…let alone for true love…
for abounding health…
who am I indeed? And the spiritual battle ensues…
It isn’t that I’m unpracticed at spiritual battle. Quite the opposite is true, actually. I’m very good at it, better in fact for others than myself (aren’t we all?!) Having been a spiritual warrior all my life, even while too young to have any cognitive understanding of it, I learned to conquer demons daily. My life has been a dichotomy described only as “blessed turmoil”.
Lest you think I over dramatize let me give a brief background. I am the eldest of five children of cross-addicted parents. We come from multi-generations of substance abuse and the physical, sexual and psychological ravages that ride that monkeys’ back.
Yet somehow I have never had a substance abuse problem, do not now drink or take drugs or smoke. I tried them all at a young age and knew right away that I was not interested. The extent of any mental illness I have inherited seems to manifest as the habits I cited in the opening paragraph; self-doubt, self-recrimination. It seems my conscience is intact.
This can be no accident, my strength. This came built-in. But I have had to fight for it every day of my life, AS WE ALL DO. And because it happens that I have always drawn and painted and re-arranged and decorated since a young child (and that creative urge ALSO came built-in) – and because I see metaphor in all I do – I now see the mine fields and the booby-traps as doorways. Within my mind and body they provide both protection and obstacle at once.
Lord, I ask that all the doorways I encounter remain unlocked and open.
Let my path to freedom remain unhindered by doubt and fear.
As I move toward freedom, let every doorway I approach be used FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES ONLY. Amen.
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