Early this morning I woke from a nightmare. A silly common nightmare, you know the kind…back in high school, can’t find my class, hearing snickering behind me as I realize that my shoes don’t match. And I also woke realizing that I am terribly dehydrated. So up, feed the cat, put the coffee on, and down a big glass of water.
Routine is my new best friend. I say new because, well…recently at the doctor we had the conversation about getting a formal diagnosis for ADHD, and trying some medication. I can’t stay focused; I am literally losing track of time. Like a living nightmare, I must admit to myself that this is a typical pattern for me around the holidays. And I am far too old for this.
I’m too old to be just waking up and seeing how debilitating this has been my entire life. Better late than never. I guess. It suddenly occurs to me that this is why wisdom doesn’t seem to stick; I repeatedly have to learn these patterns over again. It feels like psychological amnesia. Hence the school nightmare.
But what I do have is a toolbox, a repertoire of resources, developed over the decades. At 70, I finally have a doctor I trust and love. That only took way too long. I have a therapist who knows me now, 3 years into treatment. A support system of friends. I know who has my back. Those things take a lifetime to develop when you are dysfunctional. And they are precious.
That’s the only gift I have for you this Christmas – learn psychological self care. Learn to recognize when you are being gaslit, yes. More importantly, learn to catch yourself when you are gaslighting yourself. When you are undermining your self esteem, or making compromises that threaten your integrity.
Will I continue to have nightmares of being back in school all my life? I suspect I will. I am certainly committed to being a student all my life. I would never want to stop learning and growing. I would never want to stop being curious. Just a little more curious than scared. That’s all it takes to keep moving forward. As my Mom Doris would say, “move along smartly now.”
You’re in the constant company of God. Act accordingly.
A Painterly Home 
Today is a beautiful day in a bless-sed season. It’s the kind of day where biting cold is welcoming. Winter solstice is upon us. I never thought I’d miss gray, cold 🥶 snowy weather, but it’s a great prod to philosophical contemplation. Persephone, Santa Claus, and all those winter myths prove it.
Really sorry about the nightmares, and I get the bit about time passing while you founder. Perhaps we’re slow learners. I look back at stuff I did while in a crazy state, and just cringe.
Alas, you can never go back, but can take comfort in the fact that youth is wasted on the young.
May this Christmas, Solstice, Hannukkah, Kwanza, birthday, or transition bring endless joy and grace to all beings everywhere.
P.S. I really enjoy your blog.
❤️