Needless to say (is it?) the short and sweet visit with family triggered an avalanche of sorrow. I miss my family terribly. It was great to see my sister. I love her dearly. I love my nephew with all my heart. He is a wonderful man, a terrific father to his three daughters, a great friend to his cousin (my beloved son).
They grew up spending many Saturday’s together with Nana, my Mother, while we parents were working. In the summer months that often meant she took them golfing. I don’t know what we would have done without her. We talked about that on the visit last week. We played euchre and laughed. It was more pleasant than I expected I guess. Maybe age or distance has mellowed our differences. It has surely made us more appreciative of our brief lifetime together.
Once home in Cincinnati, my well meaning sister began texting me photos of dogs up for adoption near me – in northern Michigan. I don’t believe we talked about my getting another pet at all. Apparently she decided on the long ride home that I needed a dog. I can just imagine her voicing her ideas from the back seat. And the three of them unanimously deciding. For me.
It’s been five years since I lost both of my elderly dogs in the same year, and a year since I lost my cat. I’m not sure my heart can take much more loss. I’m not ready to muster up the emotional generosity to adopt another dog or cat could I afford it. Which I cannot. I’m barely making ends meet these days.
I’ll admit, however, that the sweet face of an 8 year old miniature beagle in the local shelter really sent me into a tailspin. Oooh, sweetheart – how ever did you end up here at eight years old…in a cage without a home? How does that happen? I’m so so sorry. My heart aches for her. And I’m a bit angry with my sister, but she doesn’t understand my circumstances, nor the depth of my grief. “Struggling” means something different to everyone. It’s relative. Literally.
So I am keeping vigil for Lelo, praying for a kind and loving heart to find her quickly and make the rest of her days gentle and joyful. Had my former husband not died in April, I might have called him about adopting Lelo. I’d have told him that I didn’t have the adoption fee and he would have said, “meet me there in an hour.” I couldn’t live with him but he was still a loving friend – with a little gambling cash always set aside. And so I miss him acutely again, not that I haven’t been grieving his loss in other ways on other days.
It has brought back memories of the dogs and cats that have graced my entire life. Each of them made me a better person. And my “grandbird,” a parrotlet named Lovey who I kept with me for a year and flew to New York City with in a soft backpack cage on my chest. We had some great adventures together. She was so smart. I’ve known extraordinary animals, mine and those of loved ones around me. I miss them all.
It has also made me think about how my parents and my siblings and I have all gone through time periods of estrangement, when we absolutely could not abide one another’s presence – until one of our pets was in trouble and we would rally around in a care routine, contributing any way we could. We got that much right at least.
The expensive wisdom of age teaches you a few things well, like that it is much easier to love someone than it is to like them – let alone forgive their behavior. And it is impossible not to love an innocent animal in their hour of need. After all, they are entirely at our mercy.
