The cottage within me, within you, is our true heart. It is where we are safe and warm and known. For me now it looks like a midcentury modern perched high on a hill facing east. Like the prow of a ship it is strong, steadfast, dependable. A new roof here means that the house is secure again, watertight and ready to face the winter gales off Lake Michigan. This is my own personal House of Belonging.
You may remember me tell of “hearing” in meditation that I was being placed here. Of being taken out of dreams and flown here by witches, shown this was their well worn path, this sacred highway through the woods. Later the indigenous tribes would begin to follow the deer and bear that had traveled parallel the shore for centuries. Eventually it would be paved and become one of the most beautiful scenic roads in North America, M22.
Just outside the front door stands a crooked old Hawthorn tree, probably as old as me and house. Hawthorn is the sacred tree of the Celts, considered a portal between our world and the fairy realms. One of the first mornings after moving in here I woke as dawn was just peeking over the eastern hills, and walked silently out front with the dogs. We were face to face with dozens – maybe hundreds – of Cedar Waxwing resting in the Hawthorn. But they didn’t move. They stared at me as if I’d been expected.
It turns out they foretold of the many flocks of wild birds to come, resting here on their migration up the coast. I would wake on other mornings to a sea of red where my front lawn belonged, carpeted with Northern Flickers. And I would be awakened from an afternoon nap in the sun by the haunting calls of forty or more Sandhill Cranes just clearing the roofline as they flew above me. I’d also have to use my snow shovel to fend off a pair of bald eagles boldly eyeballing my little dogs that next winter.
Out the picture window to the south a triple birch tree rises well above the surrounding evergreens. It appears to be dancing joyously in the wind. It must provide a distant vista; it’s canopy is often full of crows. And outside my back door, on the western side of the house, are a maple and a tulip ash before the hill falls away toward the lake. There are three pair of Cardinal nesting there now. They wait patiently for the seed I put out; the Chickadees don’t even bother to leave the bench while I fill the feeder. Oh! And the twelve friendly turkeys just reminded me not to forget them this morning.
Something magical is going on here. I’d have to be a fool to ignore it.
I’ve talked about moving, and I might…from this house perhaps. But not from the area. This is my heart’s home, if not my dream cottage. That said, I won’t leave here lightly without thought. Or to be more honest, I won’t leave here unless I am re-placed. I won’t leave unless spirit guides me. I am in my 70’s now. It has taken me a lifetime to learn to live intuitively. I won’t go back to living conditionally. Me and my birds. And my trees. We will know.
Okay, so I know I said that my quintessential cottage style is Cape Cod. But today I want to take you to visit one of my very favorite house tours. It’s not Cape Cod. It’s a classic American Foursquare. It just so happens to belong to one of the premier architects in the country. It also happens to be in New York City.
This house literally makes my heart flutter; I have a visceral response. There is a longer tour on the Homeworthy channel if you’d like to see more.
I woke up this morning having dreamt about having friends in my new home. We were gathered around a big dining table eating and laughing. It wasn’t the house I recently missed out on. And I began to let go…not easy for me and my little ADHD brain. It organically and spontaneously occurred to me…as I woke and sat up, slowly…that perhaps there is something even better to come. And now I am free of the sense that I missed out. It had to happen for my nervous system in it’s own sweet time, and I knew it would. Maybe that trust is something that comes with age; I’m not sure. I’m onward and upward now…developing the dream. Following the intuitive clues. With a heart full of hope and wonder.
…and if that doesn’t epitomize cottage life, well…I dunno what does. And this house showcases why I love Cape Cod architecture. Bead board paneling, wide board floors, double hung windows, butcher block and marble, big deep sink…lots of white and cream and colorful artwork. Wicker and wrought iron and wonder. Playful and life affirming. Collected. Warm and friendly, relaxed. This is cottage.
First time visitors to my home, albeit rare these days, always comment on the same thing: it is colorful. I like color. I like any color, as long as it is green.
This week we’ve been exploring some interior design ideas. But there is some awareness trying to get through this surface study, something much deeper. I am hoping you will come along on this excursion into interior spaces, those we live in – and those we live from. It is windy here, the trees are losing their leaves. The light has changed, the birds are leaving. And something is in the wind…
So I’ve had a little think about the influence of favorite designers, how they differ and what they have in common. And why it matters to me. Like anything in life, I tend to be extraordinarily picky and persnickety. (I’d love to take something lightly, and should that ever happen you will be the first to know). Meanwhile, have I mentioned that I have ADHD? Persnickety is my middle name.
In my fantasy world the designer I would want to work with is likely unavailable (isn’t any man I would ever want a relationship with)?! The interior of his home on Shelter Island is the house that most reminds me of the home I grew up in. I went up and down that stairway a dozen times a day. I could move right in tomorrow and I’m certain my dreams would change. Something would heal deep in my subconscious. I wouldn’t change a thing in this house. Let’s take a quick look:
Alfredo Paredes is the designer Ralph Lauren hired to do his homes. Here he has achieved a comfort level your nervous system will feel long before you understand why. My Mother did that, naturally, and with almost no budget. Our home was filled with old wicker that had belonged to my grandmother. She had inherited the antiques and the rugs and the lamps – even the dishes. They weren’t necessarily good quality. They were practical. Both she and my grandmother had an eye. My Mother shopped at church sales and the Saint Vincent de Paul charity shop decades before vintage became a style. It wasn’t so much about the way things went together as it was about the way things felt. Our house wasn’t fancy, but it was the house everyone gravitated to. It was beautiful and comfortable. Isn’t that the epitome of cottage style, after all?
Just when I’m about to explain how you can’t have a midcentury modern open floor plan cottage, along comes Canadian designer Karen Cole to prove me wrong. It’s easy to see why her lakeside cottage makes her happy:
Now, that’s more like it. This I could also live in, and actually this reminds me more of my current home as it stands, although I’d give my eye teeth for those hexagonal terracotta tile floors.
“Finding your cottage is like Goldilocks finding the chair that is just right. It wraps around you in cozy fashion and all seems right with the world.” – Marianne Agnew
So if we compare these two very different weekend retreats, what have they in common? What are the elements that make them cottages? There is the lovely proximity to the water, should you be so fortunate to have that view. But I have great views of rolling countryside. I’m surrounded by and trees and wildlife. I could walk to the lake but it’s uphill all the way back, so I prefer the short drive. I prefer that to living on the water, actually. I grew up on the water. There is little protection from the harsh elements and a great deal more maintenance. I’m looking for easier these days.
Light plays a big part. Light has so much to do with comfort. Seasonal light, soft light. The colors of nature, an appreciation of natural elements. A mix of old and new. There is a lot of green and greenery. Personally for me, the finishes and surfaces are matte. If something began it’s life shiny, I prefer it tarnished. Everything gets repurposed. Pets and children are welcome on the furniture, nothing is off limits. There is a reading lamp next to every comfy chair. Lots of blankets and quilts. Imperfectly perfect. As the English would say, everything is a little higgledy-piggledy. There we go; couldn’t have said it better myself. But Alfredo Paredes says it best: not self-conscious.
What is a cottage life? It seems I’ve been fascinated with cottages since I bought my first design book back in high school – probably in the 60’s. We lived in a cottage, albeit a large one. My young parents had five children while still in their twenties. They needed a lot of room for a little money. The house they purchased was a Cape Cod, built by an architect a hundred years previous to house three generations of his family. It was built as three flats, bermed into a hillside overlooking the Detroit River. My parents turned those three flats into a single family home. Sadly when I look it up now on Zillow it has been turned into many small apartments with most of the original charm removed. What is wrong with people? Never mind…don’t answer that…
When I was looking to move closer to my adult son ten years ago, house hunting on a limited budget with elderly dogs in tow, I ended up in a cottage. This house was built in 1955, by an architect who was a professor at Michigan State University, as a summer getaway. It is a style known as Midcentury Modern.
Now if you were to list every architectural style on planet earth, including igloos and teepees and straw huts, I would list Midcentury Modern as my absolute least favorite style. I don’t dislike it. I abhor it. Believe me, I have studied this genre of architecture since moving here – and I can find little to like amongst the best of it. It is not lost on me that I myself am midcentury modern, born in 1954. And growing up in a highly dysfunctional home might be triggering an adverse reaction. However I like to think it’s much more of an intellectual response as I did study art and architecture in school. I also happened to have gone to school at Kingswood Cranbrook, one of the most artistic architectural communities in the country.
My opinion is considered. I’ve honestly given it a wide berth of time and space. I’ve genuinely tried, okay? It’s just ugly. There is much to like about it’s predecessor, Arts and Crafts style. Think Macintosh, William Morris, Tudor Revival and Craftsman bungalows.
Most of the original style of my house was also removed in earlier renovations, and the one element that I do appreciate about mid-mod remains: the wide roof overhangs. This was quite simply the best house for us, the dogs and I, because of the setting. And remember, I had exhausted the deadline of my government mortgage approval and my exasperated realtor had shown me everything on the market within my area and price range. This was the fourth house I had bid on; the first three sold way over asking price. Most of the houses I could afford were not even livable, let alone move-in ready. Like, they had no heating system or electricity. One house had a toilet in a closet off one side of the kitchen and a shower stall in a closet on the opposite side of the kitchen – and the kitchen sink was where you washed your hands after using the toilet. So…not exaggerating. Almost walking away from this deal twice I had heard in meditation, “you are being placed.” I’m not sure that I will ever know exactly why I was placed here, but it has proven to be a fabulous setting in a desirable location. Tucked behind a sand bluff 400 feet above Lake Michigan, this house will shelter me financially as well as physically.
And so for that reason, as well as my artistic sensibilities, I will do my best to honor the architectural integrity of this house and restore it as I can. I don’t believe in trying to turn a Cape Cod into a Victorian, and likewise will protect the Midcentury Modern elements remaining here. Someone someday will love it for what it is – and isn’t that the best we can all hope for?
In the rural midwest where I live there are a plethora of vacation cottages of all sizes and shapes. But there are few older than the 20th century. And far fewer specific to the Cape Cod or shingle style I covet. I’d have far more choice in the eastern states, even Ohio, western New York or Pennsylvania. I’ve studied. So when I say that I don’t come across many houses I actually like here, I mean it.
I’m looking for original details like wrought iron door hardware and double-hung two over twos. I don’t like ceramic tile; I want old terracotta. IYKYK. I’m looking for a cottage that you could pick up from northern Michigan and set down on Nantucket and it would appear to be right at home. I’m thinking there are may be about 8 of them – if I’m lucky – within a 300 mile radius. But as I said yesterday, I never give up. I’ve had many beautiful homes in my adult life – none I have liked anywhere near as much as the Cape Cod I grew up in, and not one I would buy again as my tastes have developed, or become more defined. Hence this sense that I’d like one last energetic push to find a home that supports my lifestyle as well as my aesthetic.
While I cannot afford to hire a designer, or to do a remodel in anything other than tiny increments, this Midcentury Modern cottage on Lake Michigan has many of the same elements as my current home, including that brick fireplace wall that runs through the middle of the living area and extends outside. Also like the house shown in this video, my house gets battered all winter with gale force winds. In the summer the setting sun hits the large west facing windows and inside it feels like being an ant under a magnifying glass. But I want to explore the possibilities for making my house the best it can be, and then later this week let’s talk about how to support a chosen lifestyle. Because, unlike the owners of this little beach house, I am not on vacation here.
Yes, I missed an opportunity to move to my little dream house. I didn’t even inquire about it. Don’t know what I was waiting for…the owner to call me? To run into someone in the local grocery store and have them introduce us and strike up a random conversation and be invited over….no. Although stranger things have happened. To me. What I was waiting for was the shame to pass. The shame of daring to dream.
No, I didn’t have the cash to plunk down. No, I hadn’t listed my house on the market or looked into being pre-qualified for a mortgage. Hadn’t done any of that. Just sat here hoping that it would still be on the market when I got around to being ready. Not much is moving here in the local real estate market, but I knew intuitively that house wouldn’t last long. It was for sale by owner and probably under priced to sell quickly, which it did. Inquiring would have forced me to learn where I stood financially. I would have found out what my house was worth, what terms might be available, or that it wasn’t doable at all. I don’t know any of that now. I’m kinda in real estate limbo.
The two people I shared my disappointment with said, “oh well, it wasn’t the right house for you. Something else will come along when you’re ready.” Yes, I’ve taken the loss personally. I take everything personally. Let me walk you through that; it will help you understand the neurodiverse people in your life. First of all, no one who really knows me would ever say that to me. I’ve changed so much in the nine years I’ve lived here that the same criteria for house hunting no longer apply. I’ve changed so much…I would no more buy this house now than re-marry my ex. They are both strangers to me. Once madly in love and intimately related, we no longer have anything in common.
But I never would have called about this house ten years ago, also listed for sale by owner. It was way over my price range. My son called the owner of this house and he encouraged me to come look at it. He was flipping it, and out of money. It had two flat areas of lawn immediately outside the doors, as I said in yesterday’s post, for my sweet short-legged old dogs. It would do. And it had lots of potential – a mistake I will never make again. I’m not moving into anything that isn’t ready for paint and wallpaper.
Yes, I am whining. Feeling sorry for myself. This house will never be finished, short of a hundred thousand dollar lottery windfall – and then I wouldn’t bother. And H O M E is waaaay more important to me than most anyone can understand. It’s the reason I started this blog in 2012. A Painterly Home was never intended to be about my psychological interior. And yet, here we are.
Home, any home…like me, is a work in progress. A home is never really done. But I want to be doing the decorative stuff, not replacing the roof and fixing things. Just constantly fixing things. Yesterday I turned on the kitchen faucet and it fell off, spewing water everywhere. Things like that happen almost daily here. But, hey…I have a new roof over my head. Literally. And yes, I am grateful beyond measure.
Yes, I’m good here for now. Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t at least try to purchase the little cottage on Mill Street and begin again. Who knows what I might have learned. No, I’m not giving up. I will never give up on my dreams!
“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” – John Barrymore
Yes, I will continue to dream until I’m living in a little cottage. The kitchen sink is under a window facing east – YES! – I am that picky. But it’s actually about lifestyle, and easier maintenance. And creativity and…J O Y. I’m currently on almost an acre of land and most of it is hilly. Hard to mow. And I’d like to be in a town or village. Walkable. Less isolated. I’d love to have some neighbors. This house has served me well; it was the right place at the right time. But life has changed. I’ve changed. We’re supposed to.
I don’t want to compromise my dreams. They can morph; I hope they will…but not become more obscured. I want them to become ever more specific. Otherwise, nothing happens. See, I think that is bullshit that tells us to “let go.” Sure, change and evolve and constantly update your dreams…but never let them go.
“And then I kissed my fear on it’s crooked mouth and whispered farewell old friend, I’m off to meet The Odds and I hear they may favor me without you.” – JK Kennedy
There is no logical explanation for why having a new roof would make me feel more grounded, and yet it has. In the past couple of weeks the roof of my house has been replaced. In the process some of the soffit overhanging the front porch was damaged. It was rotten, and someone almost came right through the rotten wood all the way to the ground below. Undaunted, the roofing contractor had to come back once they had more materials and rebuild that part – that corner – of the house. That was just finished this past weekend, and I am now painting it. I have leftover paint from nine years ago when the house was painted, and fortunately it is still good. It’s amazing how much the color on the house has faded.
Only this morning did I realize that it has been almost a year since the first roofing contractor climbed onto the roof, inspected it, and gave me a quote to repair the structure and replace the shingles. A week or so later my cat died. And before I could catch my breath it was winter. I picked the process up again early this spring once the snow had melted off the roof. And my former husband died. I was reeling.
Then it took months of calls and applications to find financial assistance. Meanwhile every rainfall meant more leaks. It was obvious much of the roof was rotten underneath the shingles. The integrity of the structure was compromised. It was the fourth application process that resulted in manageable financing. And a few more weeks before the contractor was secured and the process began, and is just now finished. I completed the paperwork yesterday, October 8th. And I will finish painting the soffit today. Phew….
When I woke at three-thirty this morning I happened to glance over and see the torn envelope the final paperwork had come in. It sparked a thought – the past year, October to October has felt like a decade. The thought I had was, “Just think where I will be a year from now….”
A year from now my copies and receipts from this work will be in the back of the filing cabinet. I’m guessing – and hoping – that I will not have given the roof a thought for months. A solid roof is a given in a maintained house. Let’s get back to taking that for granted here. What else might I take for granted, and what shall I be far more aware of not taking for granted?
A year from now life might look quite different. I will be well into my seventy-fourth year, the same age as this house. I may or may not be living in this house. If I am here, it will have been ten years. I had a signed purchase agreement for this house on October 31st, 2016. It was the longest purchase and moving process I’ve ever experienced; I wouldn’t move until almost four months later, during a raging blizzard, of course. With two beautiful elderly little dogs. The cat would surprise us a year later.
I am not the same person I was then. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I suspect you aren’t either. And I don’t know about you, but I am constantly surprised by the changes. It isn’t that we don’t expect change, and even work toward the changes we desire…but there are constant surprises along the way. There are expectations and there are un-expectations, aren’t there?!
It has taken so long for me just to begin to grow up. I’m paying attention now. From here on out, for however long this dream lasts, I don’t want to take a minute of it for granted. It has taken me so long to learn to love my life.
Perhaps you remember that I had mixed feelings about this house right from the get-go. The long, drawn out process had almost fallen apart twice. Both times I heard in meditation, “you are being placed.” I believe that still, with all my heart. I was placed here. I belong here. For now. That doesn’t mean it’s my “forever” home – a term I abhor, btw. Oh, I get the concept of a lifelong home. I will certainly have an address with a dwelling attached to it on the day of my death, whether I die there or not. My forever home is not on this planet.
And I’ve thought now quite a bit about moving. I bought this house for the dogs! Truly, while there were preferences considered, the one non-negotiable was no stairs for the little old dogs. It’s almost laughable, because this house has lots of stairs, even to get to the front door. But no stairs in and out of the doors to the yard. Easy for short legged creatures.
For this aging five-foot-six creature there isn’t much I like here any more. Perhaps I can also belong somewhere else. But this is not the time to be moving, as winter fast approaches. Maybe in the spring. Maybe. Meanwhile, I want to become better at paying attention right where I’m sitting.
When it looked like the roof might actually get replaced months ago, I began to fantasize about moving yet this year. As most of us would do, I began to scour the market to see what was available. Well…anyone who has played with that idea this past year has had an education. That’s why I used the word fantasize…ha!
And yet, Dr. Ned Hallowell says that ADHD people are eternally optimistic; you cannot keep them down. They never give up. I agree. ADHD superpowers intact – still I dream. Here’s the thing about this: I was placed. I’m not leaving until I am re-placed. That means a lot, and it means a lot of different things all at once. It means that I am more committed than ever to living my life faithfully, as in trusting my intuition – my connection to spirit.
It means that a year from now, I will have had a year of attending to my ADHD and learning to work with it. I didn’t like the medication, so I am back to researching natural ways to best manage my symptoms when they rise. And recognizing them faster, before they completely derail me. They have been invoking fear for the better part of 73 years now. Now I see it in all it’s subtle incarnations. Like, in all the circuitous ways it incapacitates my creativity. A year from now I will have been living a more creative life.
So I found my dream house. But I couldn’t make it happen. I prayed about it endlessly. I did everything I could think of to get the roof done here; the project dragged out for months. I did not call a realtor to find out where I stood; I did not inquire about selling my house as-is; I did not look for a new mortgage or even see what I might qualify for. I did not move a cell of my being toward the goal. I froze in fear. And I am not being re-placed there, or anywhere else at this time. There is a pattern here. It has to be drop-in-my-lap easy, apparent, straightforward – or I don’t even try. THAT, my dears, is straight-up ADHD shame.
After all…who the hell do you think you are?! How dare you be so ungrateful for all you have…and on and on. It happens the voice of poverty sounds an awful lot like my Dad. Who am I to want more?! I have been given a low interest government mortgage that made it possible to buy this house. I have been given a grant for part of the roof and a zero percent interest loan for the rest. For a senior citizen living on social security I have got it pretty darn good. I need to be more grateful. Does this mean I shouldn’t want anything more? Or different? Now that I am more aware of how ADHD shows itself, where it limits and where it frees me, I know that regardless of the outcome, the journey toward self discovery is the only dance in town. And you won’t get anywhere by not taking any risks.
“Action is the antidote to fear.” – Jack Boland
A year from now I pray you are still here, checking in to see what kind of magic shenanigans Susan has gotten herself into. I’ll tell you one thing for sure – it won’t look anything like it does today. Let’s dream together, shall we? Where would you like to be a year from now?
We’re having November today, this last day of September. It’s Michigan, so…it is raining and I am grateful. Grateful it isn’t snowing – which feels like it could be just two degrees away. And it is dark. Perfect weather for me these days. I am dark. The sadness does not seem to be subsiding. I guess I thought it would by now. There is definitely a risk that this mood has become habitual; my new default.
It is not quite noon yet and I have managed to tick off two people already. Said the wrong thing the wrong way. It’s a talent and the day is young. It’ll happen again. You could be next.
Meanwhile, I think I’ll just go back to bed and start over later – right after I feed the birds. I’ve been feeding the songbirds again the past few weeks. I had stopped the past couple of years because of the resident bear. The bear has disappeared. That makes me sad. Not that I wanted to get to know the bear personally, but I did feel it had a right to be here, out in the country. Apparently the DNR did not agree. They “relocated” it. I don’t even want to know what that means.
The songbirds bring me joy. And I seem to have little joy these days. I’m having to learn to find joy in new ways. The old sources of my happiness are not working. Birdseed is a small investment, and although money is too tight for comfort, I will find a way to afford it. I feel like I can’t afford not to. I’m taking it out of the grocery budget, which has taken a hit lately anyway. No more pizza or carry out, less organic produce, a few less eggs. Anyway, it’s worth it. I’ve managed to be healthy for 73 years so far; I’ll manage a while longer. Birdsong goes a long way toward bolstering my mental health.
Bird seed also invites mice and squirrels, and they like to find their way inside this time of year. It’s quite nice in here. But the house has had some recent reinforcement, so hopefully it won’t prove a problem. Some of this I’ve done myself in the way of simple tasks like caulk and insulation stuffed in cracks and around doors. I’ve cleared the vegetation away from the foundation and spread gravel. And this past week we got a new roof! Woohoo! Now, that is cause for celebration. Of course, in my little AuDHD brain I had conjured all manner of great and good imaginings about the effect this would have on lightening my stress. It hasn’t come to pass. Yet.
The job is not entirely complete, though it will be soon. As much of the house structure is original to it’s 1955 build, some of the attic was discovered to be rotten. Apparently one of the crew put a foot all the way through the soffit overhanging the porch. It is now hanging in splinters from a gaping hole…talk about inviting critters in! Fortunately no one was injured, the materials have been ordered, and the contractor will return to make the necessary repairs. I am relieved. The agency paying for the roof had a contigency allowance, and they will grant me the few hundred dollars overage to the loan. Phew! I am grateful beyond words.
Somehow I am still sad. I maintain that there is an anxiety that sets in as dusk comes, a kind of “sundowners syndrome” that I believe is related to ADHD; it subsides with darkness. So I try to distract myself from it in the evenings with television series and movies, but it is a teeter-totter of emotions. Binge-watching the new Mackenzie Crook series, Small Prophets, was absolutely delightful. As you would expect. But I made the mistake last night of watching an Irish film, 500 Miles, with one of my favorite actors, Bill Nighy. Loved listening to him with an Irish accent! It’s a beautiful film actually. But so sad. Don’t watch it unless you’re ready for a cathartic wail. Nobody does sad like the Irish. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me…my Irish is showing…
You and I both know this pervasive sadness is straight up grief. It began with the death of my familiar last October. My beloved feline companion died after an infection from a simple medical procedure. It’s been almost a year. Then my former husband died unexpectedly from a fall in April. That has really hit me hard. And then my son’s near death experience this summer. The hits just keep on coming! At any rate, it has never been like me to be so sad for so long. But things are different now. I am different now. I am far more vulnerable. And far more available to it.
I’m not telling you this to garner sympathy – I’m telling you this in hopes that you might not have to go through this same intensity of grief for this extended period of time. I know you can’t avoid loss or grief. I know you can’t control it. But here’s what I wish I would have done sooner: I wish I would have practiced gratitude like my life depended on it. ‘Cause, guess what? It needs to be habitual – our new default. It takes practice, the noticing. So let’s practice, and while we are doing that, I’ll be out back in the shed…