Category Archives: cats

“Yes, I am Bono.”

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“Poetry is language against which we have no defenses,” David Whyte tells us. My life must be poetry. It is a question – one big, fat, ugly, precious question right now. The question that I don’t want to ask, the conversation that I don’t want to have. I cannot turn away. I do not know what is true any more. If I try to understand, nothing seems real. No one describes this surreal distortion better than poet philosopher David Whyte. He’s the only person I can stand to listen to at the moment, for he translates grief back into human language. Everybody else just gets on my nerves. I can’t talk to you right now; I don’t know how.

“Sometimes if you move carefully through the forest, breathing like the ones in the old stories who could cross a shimmering bed of leaves without a sound, you come to a place whose only task is to trouble you with tiny but frightening requests, conceived out of nowhere. But this place, beginning to lead everywhere – requests to stop what you are doing right now and to stop what you are becoming while you do it. ”

Stop. Anything you think you are doing at this moment is a performance of who you think you are. Of who you were. You are not that. You do not know who you are. Stop kidding yourself. Stop.

My brother Ward was so much like my Mom. They were terrible worry-warts. Small, wire-y, tenacious, intelligent and hilarious. They used to tell the rest of us, always tired trying to keep up, “sleep is highly overrated; you can sleep when you’re dead.” Which they are now. Both dead. Bright stars who burned out far too fast. I do not know how to live without them.

But the grief that has me paralyzed today is the loss of my cat, Chewy. Many – maybe most of you, might think, “a cat? Really? And you’re devastated?” Yes. I am. Devastated. It has been almost 2 weeks and still I can hardly breathe. I cry myself to sleep several times a night. My stomach is in knots. My world is in some time warp that does not allow focus. I can’t seem to get a grip on any semblance of reality, of my life as I knew it. I have changed. Life has changed. I don’t know who I am anymore.

This grief has gripped me in it’s talons like nothing I have ever experienced before. I don’t care that it isn’t logical. I don’t care that I cannot scale it into the size of my life. Perhaps I have lost the plot altogether. I’ve certainly lost my sense of sanity…speaking of something that is highly overrated…And yes, I can explain this deep chasm as an accumulated grief. Loss in my past has always been amongst family and many friends, during my work life, still having other pets to care for, while being busy. Even the loss of my last 2 dogs, elderly and ill, was during the pandemic, and about 6 months apart. Everything was surreal then and nobody thought anything of it. This is more understandable if I want to put it into that context – I don’t. I don’t want to allow myself to think my way through this experience. I don’t want to risk losing one iota of this opportunity to be transformed. And so I must feel my way through it. And I do not know how to do this.

Chewy came to me unexpectedly 8 years ago. I was not looking to adopt a cat. He was being displaced and a friend asked me to foster him temporarily. We had 8 years together, approximately 2,920 precious days. I pretty much wasted about 2,918 of them having no idea what a tremendous and powerful gift he was. Do not expect me to diminish his significance in any way. I will not. In many ways I am only beginning to grasp the scope of this loss.

In this fascinating and insightful interview, David Whyte tells the story of standing on a street corner in Dublin waiting for a bus. A young boy was staring, and finally mustered up the courage to ask him, “Are you Bono?” David paused. And in a prescient moment of absolute presence he responded, “Yes, I am Bono.” A meaningful exchange occurs, and David must admit that he does not know the importance of it. Perhaps that brief moment was why he was here, on the planet. We aren’t given to know all. In that split second he was exactly who the child needed him to be. His spirit was entirely available. He could be generous. It mattered.

And that is the essence of my loss. Chewy was entirely available and generous. His life mattered.

becoming my full size

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With the recent drop in temps, I asked my son if he is working outside this week. “Outside what? My comfort zone?” “Comfort zone? What’s a comfort zone?” I replied. When was the last time you felt comfortable? I don’t mean in your clothes or bed, of course…I mean with your life. To quote one of my favorite artists, life is so life-y right now. We are reminded not to let our guard down daily, at least in these here United States. We know we are teetering on the precipice of hell; too many are already living in it daily. Don’t look down.

My personal hell revolves around my personal grief right now. I must do the last few chores to prepare the house and yard for winter. Everything was put on hold when the cat became ill. The deck still has its’ outdoor rugs and umbrella. The outdoor iron furniture scoots around in the wind like plastic toys. As the leaves fall the wind becomes a screaming locomotive on top of this sand dune. Bring it on. I’m so angry. I just want to scream back.

For over a decade now I have harped on about how it will ultimately be the artists who save us. They warn us, then they fight for us, then they lead us through our redemption. That’s their job. That and creating beauty from nothing. In case you thought they had a comfort zone, think again.

Unknowingly, but not coincidentally, Florence Welsh wrote me a song. She is the voice of our times. Comfort zone this.

“Here I don’t have to be quiet. Here I don’t have to be kind, extraordinary and normal all at the same time.” – Florence Welsh

turning honest limits your choices

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Please bear with me; I can’t talk right now. I’m silenced by grief. But I can listen to the mystic Carolyn Myss, because she speaks truth. Truth to power: meaning, to you and me. I’ve had some extraordinary awarenesses come to me as I sit vigil with my dying cat. I cannot articulate them yet.

I cannot yet explain what a powerful influence this little being has bought to my life. It would not make sense to you. None of this makes sense. But my animal body knows the truth of it. I know what I know. I know the enormous, unlimited love he has served my life with, the truth he carried here to bless me with. The healing he facilitated daily. When he could not protect me he called a black bear to patrol in his stead. We have lost his body and by no means his spirit.

What I can share at this time is the truth school of Carolyn Myss. Carolyn Myss is The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man archetype is the embodiment of God knowledge, to the degree that the human body can tolerate it’s force without dis-integrating. Think Dr. Ellie Arroway in the movie Contact – she did not disintegrate traveling through space and time. She returned changed, with knowledge that would serve all of mankind. No one believes her. She must find a way to communicate her knowing. Carolyn Myss is that person – she found a way to get the information across to us “mere mortals.” I don’t where I would be without her, or without the feline revolutionary I knew as Chewy.

Today, because there isn’t much else I can do, I am going to keep listening to this on a loop, praying to God that I just might grok some of it. That maybe, just maybe, I can become better at distinguishing between the lies of tribal conditioning and the Truth of God, of Life. Join me, and just for today, let your credibility be stretched beyond belief. Be honest about what you know, even if you sound crazy to most. Because you can no longer deny truth. Your body recognizes it. And turning honest limits your choices.

we live here…

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Bitch, please…I grew up in Detroit. For those of you who are not familiar, or accept the cultural collective’s jokes and voodoo euphemisms of Detroit, you’re missing out. Detroit is the heart and soul of America. It is fu@king awesome. Go. Stay in the New Center area and spend a couple days at the Detroit Institute of Arts. Drive around and take in some of the most spectacular historical architecture in the United States. You won’t see it all in that time, but enough to enjoy yourself enormously and appreciate it’s beauty and world-class culture.

Then take yourself “up north.” This is where I have lived the past 40 years. Let me tell you a bit about how I came here, and why I stay.

My father grew up on a farm outside of Traverse City, where my Irish ancestors had immigrated and settled during the potato famine. About to enter high school, his father moved the family to Detroit during the automobile boom. And so I grew up in the suburbs of Detroit and often visited my great-grandparents and aunts and uncles on Long Lake, west of Traverse City, in the summer months. By the time I was in my early twenties I would spend as much time as possible here, staying with my great Aunt Edith, my grandfather’s sister, in the old farmhouse out on Cedar Run Road. My young son had baths in the big iron sink after I pumped water from the well and heated it – on the stove I’d built a fire in. I would put on one of my great grandmother’s old house dresses, crank up the Victrola, and dance around the living room…romantically imagining I lived in a simpler time…way back when. Until Aunt Edith became impatient with my immature fantasies and reminded me that we had no trash pick up or mail delivery – and I needed to get my arse in gear. Those errands were not going to do themselves.

I have about a million and thirty stories I could tell that depend on the geography of both places, and all around the Great Lakes. There is nowhere else like Michigan on earth. And while it is great, not all of my childhood was great. I came from a big dysfunctional family that often settled differences with fist fights and spent years stubbornly not speaking to one another, depending on the current offensive issue. This blog is full of many – by no means all, of those stories, from day one, back in 2012. That was when I began to write as though my life depended on it, not knowing how true that was.

The move from Detroit to Traverse City was purposefully to get my child away from my family, and their drug and alcohol-induced violence. To be safe. To start over. It was the naive plan of a young woman suffering from PTSD, not yet aware of her ADHD, her mental and emotional limitations. It didn’t work. Not only did I not escape my own demons, but my family members were inspired by my new life and followed me. Over the course of the next few years they all moved north, too.

We live here now. Now I actually live about 50 miles west of Traverse, near the shore of Lake Michigan. My son grew up here. We have both traveled some; enough to know this is home. But home has come to mean an internal space for me as I age. It’s funny, the name of this blog…a painterly home. I thought it would be about interior design. Little did I know it would be about interior design – as in, my spiritual interior. There are so many more stories to unpack and share. I’m grateful beyond words for this journal and your readership. It continues to save my life on a weekly basis.

Today I am grieving as my sweet familiar, Chewy, is dying. I’m not ready to lose him. Many of you know that I had two elderly dogs I cherished when Chewbacca the cat came to live with us. I was asked if I could please help out a friend and foster him for a couple of months about 8 years ago. What a blessing he has been. He fit right in with the dogs, becoming immediately inseparable from my little beagle, Odie. I’ve written other posts about them, of course (see Sept. 9, 2025, Chew de Monk). I never would have chosen these silly names for these magnificent beings. But they were already displaced and going through enough adjustment to impose any others unnecessarily. For starters, Chewy became known as a catdog. He did not know that he wasn’t a dog. Since we lost Odie in 2020, Chewy has seldom left my side. Like the dogs, he feels it is his duty to be constantly underfoot. He follows me from room to room. He insists on touching while we sleep, just as he did with Odie; he extends one of his back legs and pushes it against my thigh. I will aver that he understands English perfectly. All of it. Only an hour or so ago I mentioned out loud that I would give him a bit more liquid and medicine in the syringe again, hoping he can rally. He begrudgingly pulled himself up and walked the few steps to his water fountain and took the first drink he has had in two or three days.

Yesterday doesn’t count. We spent the day at the emergency clinic while he got IV liquids, a warm enema, pain and diabetes meds, in an attempt to save him. We came home last night exhausted. He has barely moved and still isn’t eating. I haven’t given up. I keep telling him that I won’t ever give up on him, and that if he can pull through this I will do everything in my power to improve the quality of his life. I’ve promised new toys. I also told him that if he is too tired he is free to go. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, and I will remember daily all the joy he brought. Rejoice at the thought of he and Odie together again. Still in a magnificently beautiful place, with all the loves that I don’t know how to live without.

Chew de Monk

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Chewy, aka Catlips, woke me with a loud howl at 4am, as he often does these days. And seemingly for no apparent reason. But once I had visited the loo and made sure the cat was alright, I sat to drink some water. You know that’s a medical thing, right? Always drink water when you wake. Neurologists tell us that trick would prevent many strokes, which occur most of the time during the night and upon waking, and are directly linked to dehydration. So, water upon waking is an easy habit to adopt.

Waking in the middle of the night is my normal anyway, and that’s not a new phenomena; it’s been lifelong. Probably a genetic thing from centuries of ancestors who would naturally have had the biphasic sleep patterns of farmers. Sleeping eight consecutive hours was unthinkable before the industrial revolution, when the factory shift workers needed to train their bodies to work under artificial lighting. It’s a conditioned pattern that served the wealthy white industrial magnates, and there is nothing natural about it. It was designed to keep you enslaved, and it works efficiently.

That established, when I wake I am not necessarily anxious to get back to sleep – now that I don’t work early in the morning. Nor do I make early plans or appointments if I can help it. I usually fall back to sleep and wake – still early, but again, shortly after daylight. Last night as I did some breathing exercises and then picked up the novel I was reading, I felt an ominous presence lurking around my bedroom door. I asked it to leave (in my mind), and felt confusion. So I did some healing rituals, such as lighting a sage candle, and snapping my fingers rhythmically while chanting. I stated adamantly that “if you are not of the light of Christ, be gone.” Learned that in childhood, too, and it works. The energy dissipated and I relaxed. So did the cat.

The cat and I have been together nigh on 7 or 8 years now. He did not come to me as a kitten, but already several years old. He’d been born of a feral cat a friend took in. He was stillborn and she peeled him from the sack, gave him CPR and mouth to mouth and revived him. According to his original vet he incurred some brain damage, a twisted colon and breathing difficulties. I had two elderly dogs when I agreed to foster him temporarily from his second owner, and the rest, as they say…

So he came already sporting the name Chewbacca, presumably because he didn’t meow so much as stutter. I certainly was not going to change his name. He had already been displaced twice. That, in and of itself, is enough trauma for any small creature, I think. I also think the name Chewy does not suit him at all, but names are assigned before we know someone well in the best of circumstances. So no blame, just observation. My darling Chewy is a regal character. And to my mind, angelic. He deserves a sophisticated nomer. His nickname is Catlips when he is being silly, and Chew de Monk when he is being zen.

Upon introducing him to my dogs, I explained to them that he was a) a guest who temporarily needed our kind assistance, and b) to be respected as such. Both of my dogs were rescue dogs, both sweet natured and well behaved. Hariat had come from a Pembroke Welsh Corgi rescue organization. All we knew of her was that she was 5 years old, certified purebred by the AKA, that she had been a working dog on a farm, and that her owner had entered hospice. She came with the name Ariat, named after a line of equestrian gear. At the time we got her my husband and elderly father were struggling to understand or pronounce her name. They were utterly confounded. I asked her how she would feel if I added an H to her name, and henceforth she became Hariat. Hariat was one of the dear canine loves of my life. She immediately had bonded with my older corgi, Oliver, as if they’d always been friends.

After losing Oliver only a few years later, we grieved together for about a year. And then Odie came into our lives. Also not a suitable name for such an extraordinary dog, but we kept it. Odie was an old miniature beagle at the county animal shelter who needed medical care and love. We went to meet him. Hariat nodded her approval. They were fast friends, though not like she and Oliver. Grief had changed her. When Hariat and Odie and I accepted Chewy into our home I wasn’t sure what to expect. For starters, I did not know if either of my dogs had ever known or lived with a cat. Fortunately, Chewy did not know he was a cat. He fit right in as if he’d always been here. He and Odie had some kind of instant bond and were inseparable from day one. Seems obvious they spoke a common language I am not smart enough to understand.

We lost Hariat and Odie about seven months apart during the pandemic. Hariat had brain lesions that were causing frequent seizures. Odie stopped eating one day and the x-rays showed his colon full of cancer. They were each about 15 years old, to the best of my knowledge. I was devastated. So was Chewy. To this day Chewy sleeps on Odie’s blanket, sits on his bed steps, and drinks from the large water bowl they used to put their faces in together. Whenever I take the bowl to the sink for washing and refreshing Chewy follows, anxious, and makes certain I put it right back where it came from. He doesn’t do that with his other bowl or his fountain.

I won’t be adopting another animal any time soon for a number of reasons. But mostly it’s because Chewy is an old man now and deserves devotion and showered attention. He gives far more than he gets. Only since we have been here alone has it become apparent that he watches over me at night. Once in awhile a wayward spirit wanders in and he howls to alert me.

Animals are so much more than we have ever given them credit for in our lives, let alone our culture. My goodness they are intelligent, sentient and worthy of the best care we can possibly provide. What a magnificent blessing they gift us with in so many ways.

the temple of my belonging

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Well, it’s been Crisis Intervention 101 here again. S’always sumpin, innit? But we’re through it intact and life is calming down. And cooling down, finally. Although we are still at 98% humidity. Normal for Michigan this time of year. As we say here, we only have two seasons – winter and July. July just began a week early. The crowd of tourists are all back in town. So I avoid town. They do serve to remind me to get out and enjoy the beauty around me.

This is the draw, and I’m so close to the shore that I can see the tip-top of a 400′ sand bluff from the bottom of the driveway (above the trees). It’s about 1/4 mile to the lake as the crow flies, or a mile downhill to the beach. I love my views, downhill in 3 directions. I have one immediate neighbor to the north, but this is a weekend summer home for them. Because I don’t have many windows on the north wall, I often realize they’ve been and gone only because they set out their trash bin at the street for Monday morning, and I gladly roll it back up the drive for them. They do many nice things for me, like mowing the back 40. I may struggle financially, but I am wealthy beyond measure surrounded in this beauty.

If I’m honest, it is a constant worry that I no longer seem to have the physical strength or financial means to maintain my home or property. We are both tired and worn. So often I will look at the real estate online to see what I might find that would be easier to grow old in. But every time I become overwhelmed with sadness. I love my home; I just want to take proper care of it. I love where I live. The ashes of my sweet pups are buried in the garden, their final romping place. My elderly kitty is the mighty king of his domain and I’d love him to live out his days here. It’s quiet and peaceful and safe. And the roof has started to leak…

I’ve often wondered why home means so much to me. Other people I know seem far less attached emotionally to the place where they dwell. In my dreams I am frequently in my childhood home on the Detroit River, long expanse of lawn lined with 3-story-high willows swaying in the breeze. Hundreds of peony shrubs perfuming the air, sunrise over the river. In a surreal way I felt somehow more connected to the natural surroundings than the people I lived with. There’s more than a few therapy sessions needed to unpack that realization!

And in hindsight I confess that I stayed far too long in an abusive marriage because I didn’t want to give up my home. Home. It’s really all I have ever longed for…a home of my own. Heaven for beginners.

…don’t jinx it.

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Hahahahaaaa…it’s so true. Here in NW lower Michigan we only have 2 seasons: winter and July. But I know it is spring because of the light. Ah, the light. I do not mind snow; it’s beautiful. The cold is refreshing. But the dark wears me down. The relentless weeks on end of short dark days with tiny, fleeting moments of sun feels oppressive. Well, it is oppressive. And I deteriorate. I do my best to nurture my energy, but it dissipates quickly. And so by March I am weaker and meeker. And then the light returns…the days brighten and lengthen, as does my stamina – both physical and mental.

So flying west and driving east came at exactly the right time. As was spending time with a dear friend on that trip. It was very healing. My cat sure was mad at me, but he is considering forgiveness. He was well cared for and loved. Because I am old enough to know that anything can happen, I updated clear arrangements for he and my son in the event of my untimely death. That feels very freeing, and I recommend you do the same to the best of your ability. If at all possible, don’t leave that kind of crisis for your loved ones to deal with if you can help it.

Of course, I had no intention of dying. I’m not done here. In many ways, I feel like I’m just getting started at 71. I’m fortunate not to have any major health issues, and I wouldn’t trade my expensive education in the school of life. I wouldn’t go back for anything. Only forward. I was this many years old before I truly began to appreciate what a magnificent privilege this life has been, and is becoming. I am becoming.

cat lady

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My first cat was a calico kitten my Mom got me at around the age of four. I wouldn’t remember why, of course…perhaps I was grumpy about having a new sibling. I named her Patches. I do remember Mom and I sat very still on the floor peeking in to watch her giving birth to a litter of kittens in the bottom of my wardrobe, and being heartbroken when I couldn’t keep them all.

At the time my parents had a boxer named Duchess who kept getting out and terrorizing the neighborhood. She jumped through the living room picture window once and took off down the street. I remember the woman who came to pick her up when Mom found her a new home on a farm. But I was very sad. She was soon replaced with a Cocker Spaniel I named Blackie, because, well, black. Apparently my imagination was not yet fully developed. And so began my life-long love of animals. Growing up in a family with five children we always had cats and dogs and birds and fish and my sister had a horse. Most of our pets lived long luxurious lives I’m happy to report.

Many years ago I lost my beloved cat Polly (Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day) and I was devastated. It doesn’t get easier to lose a pet as you get older; it gets harder. I would never replace her – she wasn’t replaceable. Now I know that. I didn’t think my heart could survive much more loss. I was wrong.

But I did get a puppy a few years later. A Pembroke Welsh Corgi, precisely because I was unfamiliar with the breed. She wouldn’t remind me of the dogs I had loved and lost. When she became older and was slowing down my husband and I adopted a rescue Corgi looking for a forever home, Oliver. And when we lost Christie and were still grieving a year on, my vet insisted I adopt another Corgi rescue in need of a loving home, and we brought home Hariat. With each loss, still devastated and depressed months later, I would adopt another dog hoping to help my aging dog cope and find a new lease on life. My last was Odie, a miniature Beagle from the Kent County Animal Shelter; he was the first Beagle I had ever known. I couldn’t open my heart for another Corgi.

Hariat and Odie are the reason I live where I am now. I bought a house for my elderly dogs. Priority requirement: no steps out into the yard. We had been here several months when I was asked if I could help out a family member by cat sitting Chewy. The dogs have been gone for a few years now, but I still have Chew-chew.

The name has never suited him. He is regal, probably mostly Maine Coon. He deserves a sophisticated moniker befitting his royal presence, but I would never change it. He was already several years old when he came to my house. There was no period of adjustment necessary. He immediately became one of the dogs. He’s a cat-dog.

Is he actually quite different from cats I have known in my past, or am I different now? It’s the latter, of course. The longer I have interacted with animals, both wild and domestic, the more they have taught me over the decades. Not only are they sentient, but incredibly intelligent.

Feline Chewy and canine Odie were inseparable until we lost Odie to cancer shortly after the pandemic began. Since, I’ve begun to suspect that Chewy has felt he carries sole responsibility for my well being, and has had to become my assist animal. He will often wake me at night when I am having a nightmare or my breathing is erratic. Last night he was buggin’ me buggin’ me buggin’ me, as he often does in the middle of the night. Wake up! Did he want food? No. In a weirdly unusual move, he tried to knock my water glass off the nightstand. I poured some fresh cold water and he took a sip, sat back and gave me “the look.” It’s intensely judgmental and rather implies my utter lack of understanding; the telepathic message is one of impatience.

Then he jumped off the bed and walked over to his water bowl, sat and looked down at it, and then looked back at me. I said, “I will if you will.” And we both drank water at the same time. We hoomans are dim-witted and hard to train, aren’t we?!

So, I am a cat lady for life. I miss the dogs terribly. But it’s just going to be Chewy and I for as long as I can possibly keep him healthy and alive. We are a team. Are you a cat lady? If you know what a privilege that is, you just know. Judith Potts knows. She has her confidant, Jasper.