when I’m dancing…I am free. I want Bill Nighy as my anxiety. But not really. I want free. Anxiety and pain have gotten the better of me this week. The lab tests came back, still and again, positive for Lyme. I’m not able to do much. Back on meds…ugh. These two remind me that art is the only way out of this mess – mine or yours, physical or emotional. And art is whatever you decide it is; whatever empties you.
I have to remind myself not to let fear take away my peace. This short film was made to help support the artists of Ukraine. Don’t we all feel helpless in the face of the world’s oppressors? And aren’t they oppressing to the best of their ability? My body can’t seem to fight off the bacteria from a minuscule insect, let alone war.
I think I broke a couple of toes last night, tripping out of bed. And I just started laughing (through the tears!) Oh my, how I take life all too seriously. Dear spirit will do whatever is necessary to get my attention. I will put on some music today and dance around if it kills me…and empty out my body and my mind of the debilitating anxiety. Get present. Get here now.
So what can we do in the face of oppression, of illness, of anxiety and worry? How do we switch off the solution driven thought machine and act creatively? Be our souls? We empty, we get outdoors, we go back to the old drawing board, we allow ourselves to be just a teensy bit more generous than feels comfortable right now…we expand.
We B R E A T H E….ahhhhhh. ‘Cause, don’t you wanna call it off?
Heart pounding anxiety woke me up at 3 a.m; which is not unusual anymore. I managed to talk myself off that ledge in about a minute. I’m getting better at it. My goal was freedom. The goal is always going to be freedom. Because I feel like my dream world, my rest, was hijacked. It’s mine. I want it back.
My friends and I are all worried about our adult children. They are struggling to find their footing in a culture that is undermining them every step of the way. And we are not sure how to help, or if we can. Mind you, they were raised as we were, in decent middle class families. We were well educated, but our current incomes are not cutting it. We don’t have the financial security we thought we were building all our work life. Our children left school in debt with no guarantee of a job, let alone a living wage. I read a news article last week that shocked me to my core: recent studies have shown that at least fifty percent of the baby boomers in the U.S. are financially supporting adult children. In many cases it’s the adult child and their family. They came home to get their feet back on the ground – in one case cited, 13 years ago.
Children or not, everyone I know is struggling. We are all trying to figure this out as we go along. We have no role models. We’re outliving our parents, and we are in entirely uncharted territory. We are the first generation that is openly talking about the abuse our parents and grandparents kept secret. No one was consciously dealing with narcissistic abuse 20 years ago. Or 10. No one recognized that past generations were being groomed for sexual abuse. The culture tolerated it, they tolerated verbal abuse, even laughed about it. They tolerated bad behavior, made excuses for it. Hell, we’ve voted it into the White House. Taking accountability for your behavior was optional. Do you wonder we have an epidemic of dementia?! (Help me forget!) Addiction? Of narcissism? Of sex trafficking? Of all manner of spiritual bankruptcy? Can no one connect the dots here?! That pandemic was no accident – it was a physical manifestation of a spiritual problem. It’s time to pull our heads out of the sand.
Meanwhile, I’m struggling with my health. Last week I called for a doctor appointment and was reminded that I have to be interrogated by a nurse over the phone to determine whether or not I am sick enough to qualify for a precious appointment. I have to beg just to be seen. Then before I can be given the necessary antibiotic I have to endure a week’s worth of tests. Meanwhile, I was prescribed a temporary superficial treatment. Medicare doesn’t cover that prescription, so I didn’t fill it. I can’t do that and buy groceries. And I’m angry about that.
Now, lest you think me ungrateful, or just a whiner, I am aware of opportunity hiding here in plain sight. When worry and anxiety seem to steal my peace I know my training is not yet complete. And I’m not havoc-ing it anymore (see blog post of March 15th.) Intellectually I know that the way out of angst is gratitude. But my intellect is not easily coerced. I can’t expect to start pontificating about big, general platitudes and get myself free. Those old affirmations aren’t working anymore; this feels like spiritual warfare.
But. I can start small…go back to basics. I’m sure glad I bought an orange desk chair instead of black. Orange is the happiest color. Wow, I love my bed. I love my wide Frodo feet. I walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and I say “Thank You” to everything I pass (yes, out loud) – the floor, the countertop, the cat, the doorway, the moon outside. Try it. There are big things I am grateful for, too – like my son having survived cancer. He is struggling through his self-proclaimed “mid-life crisis”…but he’s here for it. Not all of his friends have made it past 40.
I can re-member myself whole. I have resources in my spiritual tool box: friends, some of my family, a loving therapist, tarot cards! At 3 a.m. with a racing heart I call in invisible help: “Christ Jesus, Archangel Michael, Ancestors! Any and all available light workers.” That’s step one. I am NOT TO BE TOILED WITH here. Neither are you – know that. God didn’t make a mistake. You were not a cosmic afterthought. You do not need to “find your purpose”…you ARE your purpose. Live like you belong here. There are no qualifications you haven’t fulfilled. You have exactly the same right to be here as 8,019,876,189 other people. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Since that has been established, I can be the narcissist’s worse nightmare. My home, my mind, and my body – my sanctuary – is a no tolerance zone. No talking down to anyone. I carry an expectation that you will be on your very best behavior around me and show up as present as possible. Don’t ever settle for anything less from anyone. Not your teacher, not your boss, not your doctor, and certainly not your family. I can laugh at myself with the best of them – when I’m silly or wrong. But don’t make fun of me at my expense. Don’t ridicule me. I’m a fucking spiritual Jedi, and I’ve trained my boundaries to be stronger than my empathy. Everybody sing along now…
You will see the name of this blog change soon, to A Painterly Life. Let’s face it, it isn’t a blog about home so much as about life. And the content will broaden. We will venture out to explore the beautiful nature I am grateful to live in and near. We will continue to explore lifestyle, particularly through the lens of an aging woman…a creative woman who has survived incest, near-death experiences, growing up in an extremely dysfunctional family in the wild sixties, profound loss, decades of narcissistic abuse, and who is surviving chronic illness. But mostly, a woman who wants to live as open-heartedly as possible moving forward. Moving life forward will be the theme here.
Like most of us, from all walks of life, we are figuring it out as we go along. Our culture is changing fast – as it must. It’s archaic in so many ways. Those of us who long to see a new far more sustainable world for future generations must make serious and often difficult changes – and quickly – to keep our lives moving forward. To feel relative. We must learn to live as a verb rather than a noun.
“I want to learn to live my life as a liquid.” – Cody, Dinner At the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler
These days my body and my psyche require an unreasonable amount of rest. I do resist, albeit futilely. I have so much to do. I find myself wondering how anyone works and does everything else, but in truth, we don’t. I didn’t. I ignored more than was healthy to ignore. I lived in a constant state of overwhelm. I suffered in silence, but I also caused an unnecessary amount of suffering in my bull-in-a-china-shop charge through life. But I survived. I’m a survivor.
So are you. And I maintain a foundational premise I have adamantly defended since adolescence – that creativity is the only way through this chaos. Art, to be specific. And art is not a thing, it is a process, a way of life.
And so I aver: ULTIMATELY, IT WILL BE THE ARTISTS WHO SAVE US. You’re not an artist, you say? I beg to differ. Do you problem solve? Art. Cook? Art. Sing when alone in the car, maybe even off-key? Art. Notice the lichen on the fallen log? Artist! Love crisp, clean sheets? Know when something just feels “off”? Have a favorite color? Savor coffee with dessert? I can go on, oh, and I will…stick with me.
Let’s talk about this plaque of deep fatigue, physically and psychologically. Perhaps more so psychically. Don’t think you’re psychic? Well, I will prove that you are that, too. And it is required of us now to acknowledge and develop this atrophied gift. It is part of living artistically. It is part of living.
We are human. We are alive. We are artists. We are now.
The past week has been a bit challenging. I haven’t felt well for a couple of weeks, but the fatigue finally took me down. I called the doctor. I’m still waiting on lab results, but I likely have an infection, perhaps a flare-up of Lyme, something chronically auto-immune. It’s my life now. That said, I’m grateful that my illness is invisible and manageable. I’m learning to live with it. I need far more sleep than most people, and I’m learning to allow for that.
The biggest factor in maintaining my mental health is being creative, and that can be evasive when I am tired. You see, I lose my curiosity and become lethargic…or I become lethargic and I lose my curiosity. I’m easily confused. I am less able to still mind and body and less likely to be internally moved; I seek a meaningful distraction.
I have always read voraciously. There is never enough to read that I find compelling. Love memoir, murder mystery, biography, tarot mythology, interior design and more. Since feeling punky the past couple of weeks I have been laying around reading. I’ve read Designing Rooms with Joie De Vivre by Amanda Reynal. I’ve read How To Be Old by Lyn Slater, A Walk Through the Forest of Souls by Rachel Pollack, and It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula, PhD. All in hard cover, old school. I would recommend each of them. I’m obsessed with the weight and smell and sound of a book. I’ll buy used whenever possible. I dog ear corners, mark pages with handmade and improvised book marks and if I intend to keep the tome and read it again or use it as reference, I scribble thoughts in the margins. I really use my books. I’ve got a Kindle device and the app on my phone, linked to more than one library membership. That just sucks the joy out of reading for me.
But I have not felt creative at all. Friends have tried to call me out, to get me to “do something, Susan, even if it’s wrong,” I hear my Mother say in my head. I ignore their promptings. It has taken an “accidental” discovery of some new idea, and suddenly I am fascinated with soft fascination. Did you know about this? Have you been holding out on me?! Let me introduce you to this lovely artist, Jane Lindsey. She’s my inspiration this week. She will explain soft fascination, and we will all be better off for having met her.
“Unused creativity is not benign. It doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it is expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear. Unexpressed creativity starts to kill us from inside.” – Brene’ Brown
The Crappy Childhood Fairy, aka Anna Runkle, is another of my heroes. It’s no understatement that she changed my life when I first came across her several years ago. A decade ago I would have called my angst “social anxiety,” which brings me to a shocking discovery: our unhealed trauma evolves with us. Our symptoms adjust, our language updates, the common therapeutic terms change, we find new ways to define ourselves. It is easy to convince ourselves that we have healed our anxiety and are better able to participate with life, to be present.
Self-awareness is always a good thing. But here’s the rub: subsequently as we become increasingly committed to our healing we become acutely aware of how we mask our defenses. It’s a double-edged sword. Self-awareness has no real value without self-development. That’s a tricky word, development, and an even trickier achievement. It sounds a lot like maturing, and growing up is hard to do.
In the past I’ve lamented those “spiritual” friends who “are so heavenly minded they are no earthly good,” from fundamentalist Christians to devout Buddhists to professional tarot counselors. I’m not so impressed with your beliefs if your behavior is needy (myself included in all said here.) Spare me the buzz language of the divine. I really don’t care how many crystals you have, how many self-improvement books you’ve read, how often you attend church, or how diligently you meditate or practice your chosen rituals – are you living creatively? Are your relationships more healthy than codependent? Are your boundaries conditional depending on your mood? Can you justify your poor behavior with need? Asking for a friend…
About a decade ago after my marriage ended, my father died, and I became estranged from my siblings, I found myself orphaned at the age of 60. “When you dig down deep you lose good sleep, and it makes you heavy company…” writes Joni. Yep. Some people cut me out of their lives and over the course of the past decade I have gone no contact with several people myself. I still think of going no contact with people when they are petitioning for my attention. What is their agenda, anyway? I’m less and less inclined to help them discover it.
I seem to need an unreasonable expanse of quiet time and open space. My nerves are shot. For awhile I used this as an excuse for being distant with people, saying and believing that my anxiety would heal, that I would overcome it. It is not to be overcome; that is not how healing works. It turns out I must grieve for as long as it takes, healing or not, anxious or not. So here we are.
Here’s the thing about growing older: you contain all of the ages you have been inside of you. The funny Pinterest meme says, “I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.”
I’m struggling to make a YouTube video. I guess I will have to stop watching them. I listen to people talk about almost anything and it all sounds like balderdash to me. They’re just talking shit. I’m 70 and I’m still trying to figure out how to be…I’m still asking myself, “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I’m still becoming.
Let’s face it, we are the first generation that have inspiring models of old age. Our parents didn’t. I have more physical limitations than I had until recently, but I’m happier. I have more peace. I have less fear. For better or worse I’ve lost my inhibitions about what anyone thinks of me. Like Lyn Slater, I’m still future oriented. I’m still infinitely curious about this adventure we are on here…curiouser and curiouser.
People often assume I have money. I don’t. Actually I qualify for government assistance as I now live below the poverty line. I’m not ashamed of that, nor proud. It just is.
I grew up with some affluence, and was fortunate enough to attend a private high school, Kingswood School at Cranbrook, in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. My name, along with the other sixty-two girls in my graduating class, is carved into a wooden panel in the assembly hall. If you’ve heard me talk about that experience, you have heard me say that it was “the real Hogwart’s.” It was a magical time for me. For starters, I got to leave home. Not only could I fill my senior schedule with art classes, but I was allowed to audit some of the graduate courses at The Cranbrook Academy of Art across campus…the gorgeous, mystical campus.
We were required to wear dresses or skirts back then, and so I set about finding a way to rebel. Let me just admit here that I would often thoughtlessly rebel just for the sake of rebelling, cushioned by affluence and privilege. There was much to rebel against in those days, but I certainly didn’t understand the scope of my naivete’. Saturdays I worked at the Saks Fifth Avenue store next to the Fisher Building in downtown Detroit, my other magical haunt. I wanted a discount and money to buy my own clothes without scrutiny. And I also shopped at the Goodwill and my favorite store, St. Vincent de Paul Charity shop. I’d buy vintage corduroy poodle skirts (it was the early 1970’s) and take out the front seam to show as much thigh as I could get away with, pair them with the craziest patterned stockings and leggings I could find, and my $350. dollar Italian leather platform shoes I paid for with my Saks earnings.
Give yourself the gift of watching these wildly indomitable women through the entire film; you’ll be so glad you did. And then take a tour of the magnificent art and architecture of Kingwood School. “Heaven” was my favorite escape. Even then I would sneak out through a window to daydream on the roof in solitude. Believe me, I never took a moment of it for granted. I still don’t.
What if biophilic design is a mirror of our interior reality? What if all design, all art, all expression, is a mirror of our interior reality? Could it be anything else? I don’t think so.
I’ve said here that I do not know how to separate my inner life from the way I live. All interior design is an expression of as within, so without. All art is a natural process. It requires we live in a state of curiosity, of inner exploration. It’s a constant challenge; there are far more questions than answers. If you aren’t living with the questions, how do you know faith?
Faith is not an intellectual commodity. It’s an innate trust in the process of life. What if we give the heart a chance?
“I’m good at being uncomfortable, so I can’t stop changing all the time…” – Fiona Apple
Little Inka is yet another wonderful example of the very approachable bioliphic design. Talk about blending the outdoors and indoors! This would be so easy to live in. And hhh-hhhhmmm…I told you black walls could be cozy.
This couple has found a creative way to live off the land, complete with alpacas. I’m in love with them all. Let’s go; I need 17 minutes to pack.
Are you okay with dying? Artist Peter van Straten says no. He’s completely fallen in love with reality. “If you don’t take reality for granted, then whatever is in front of you is miraculous.”
How insightful he is, to realize that when you are not friends with yourself you are in solitary confinement. That’s very different than choosing solitude. Only recently have I come to understand that I have been a solitary person my entire life. I craved it as a child and still do, probably more solitude than most people could handle. I am my own best friend. If you have learned how to be your own worst enemy, you can learn how to be your own best friend.
Solitude restores me. I’m just beginning to realize what a gift that is. But I have had to fight for solitude my entire life. I have never taken it for granted, nor the company of my imagination. I’m not saying I’m always happy; I’ve just never held happiness as the measure of a meaningful life. My emotional state is and always has been like the weather – wait a bit and it will change. Deep at the core of my being there is a peace that has never faltered. I believe it was hard-wired in at birth. I think that’s why I fell in love with Lady Gaga the first time I heard Born This Way. We are born this way; we are born whole. That attitude has allowed me to fall in love with reality in all it’s resplendency.
This chaotic, insane, completely buggered world is fascinating to me. If offered a subscription renewal, I’d sign up again. Like anyone, I fear suffering or being a burden to my child. But I don’t fear death. I’ve had far too many spiritual experiences to ever think that this world is all there is, and so I’m infinitely curious. I’ve never doubted an afterlife. That’s the long game. It is this limited reality that is surreal, and therein lies the miracle.
How do YOU remind yourself to BE? Because there ain’t no other way – you’re on the right track, baby…
“My Mama told me when I was young – we are all born superstars…” – Lady Gaga
A Painterly Home 