Category Archives: Led Zeppelin

all will be revealed

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“I am a traveler of time and space, to be where I have been.” – Led Zeppelin, Kashmir.

In this morning’s waking dream, I was Mae. I was Irish, but living in France. The entire dream was in French and I understood every word. Susan knows not a bit of French, just fyi. I knew my full name was actually Maeve. I was older, perhaps middle aged. Although I never saw myself in present time, because I never walked past a mirror in the dream. However, my friend and former colleague was showing me a short video she had recorded years prior. We were watching snippets of video she had recorded during a work picnic. I was maybe 20 years younger. Petite. Short red hair, and a gorgeous smile. Fresh out of college. I had only started working at the design firm a few weeks before. I felt awkward and insecure, not yet sure of myself. Not yet sure that I belonged here or would be accepted.

The dream went on for quite some time as we reminisced and delighted in our youth and naivete. I’ll spare you all the details but to say that it was a happy experience and I woke refreshed. Where do these things come from?! They always surprise me. I say they because this is not unusual for me. This has always been my very interesting dream life. The only difficulty with my diverse nighttime experiences are translating them into some sort of application to my mundane, every day life when I am awake!

Remember the television show called Quantum Leap? I remember watching and thinking, “oh, well, big deal – I’ve always done that.” I would be well into my 30’s before I realized that it was not everyone’s normal.

So, I have quite literally experienced being every race, age, gender, and I have not always been in human form. I have been to the past and the future. I have been innocent; I have been guilty. I have rescued a baby from a well in Africa. Pulled people out of a plane crash in Washington, D.C. and a derailed train in Ohio, both accidents verified the following morning. I’ve been hung for treason in medieval Europe; felt the wooden trap door fall away from under my feet and woke up. I’ve written music and worked on special effects for Warner Brothers movies. Just not as Susan.

I woke from one such out-of-body experience having been in an earthquake where the people around me looked Asian. I was feeling shocked when I walked out of the bedroom into the living room that morning – and told my husband and our house guest that I had just been in an earthquake and we had better turn on the television to see what was going on. There had just been a major earthquake in Kobe, Japan. I then had to explain to our guest that this is my usual nighttime routine, through no fault or plan of my own. He was a bit flabbergasted until decades of such stories later, shared in confidence.

Now, I must tell you two things: I have absolutely no clue what this means. I have never understood it or known what to do with the experiences or information. I don’t know why it happens. And secondly, I do not believe for a moment that this phenomenon makes me special or unique. Or insane. It just is. I will say that I am always very grateful to wake from these “dreams” in my own little bed, as me. So far, so good.

Until now, here, I have seldom shared any of this with anyone other than my closest friends. And hopefully they don’t think I’m nuts. Or maybe they don’t care. I’ve only shared it when it has happened, and understandably, it freaks some people out. Like my houseguest who I did not know well, but who watched the experience unfold before him.

So…conclusions? Time travel is real, that much I know. No machine or external device needed. I have also concluded from 7 decades of these surreal experiences that we are all connected. I do not believe in past lives. I would describe it this way: there is no time or space, actually. Just molecules in constant motion. It all exists at once in the mind of God. To me, God is consciousness, and could not be anything else. Absolutely unknowable to any one individual.

I have worked hard all of my dream life, since I can remember. This morning, having just met Mae, I had an odd thought about all of this: what if we work here, on earth, and when our body dies we get to retire? Maybe that’s what heaven is. Maybe it’s retirement. I have visited loved ones in heaven. I have been visited here by angels; I have no doubt of their existence in both spirit and physical form, as needed to complete the task at hand.

When I was little my Mom used to say, “I’m just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” She was referring to housework. She was a lonely housewife with five children – six if you include my father, who, btw, never did grow up. She had her hands full, but she never complained. Somehow she managed eloquently (although she did drink!) One of her most endearing attributes is that she never lost her sense of humor. I would be much older when I would respond to her by saying “yes, and it matters how the chairs are placed.” Because it does. Everything matters. I just don’t know why. Yet.

My darling brother Ward claimed to be an atheist, to which I would reply, “Well then, you just haven’t heard enough rock and roll music.” He’s retired now, walking those streets of gold…

Monday moanin’

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Unlike most, I love Mondays. I always have. Mondays are the beginning of a new week, and I like beginnings. I’ve always been a morning person. Mornings are the beginning of a new day, and I like beginnings. So Monday mornings? The best. This seems to have been true since I was a young girl, old enough to notice that I liked some things better than others, so I’m calling it “my nature.” I am a morning person by nature. I have always preferred sunrises to sunsets, eastern light best of all in a house. It feels like renewal, somehow regenerative.

Only in retrospect am I realizing that I also liked Monday mornings throughout my life because I preferred school to home with family, and work to home with husband. Monday morning provided someplace to go, away from the chaos. It’s sad to see that in retrospect, to not have been aware enough to have seen it at the time I was living it. Big-ass learning curve I’m on this incarnation…phew!

As it happens, this morning I feel at peace. I have not felt at peace in a very long time. My dear long-suffering friends have put up with some very bad behavior coming from me. I’m tiresome. Unreliable. All I have done is cry, swear, and moan. I have even discovered that when you get a solicitation text on your phone – the kind you respond STOP to unsubscribe from – you will also be unsubscribed if you respond FUCK OFF. It works the same but is so much more satisfying. I’m just ornery.

My depression – no, despondency – has been limitless. Since October, so, all fucking winter. This winter has been particularly severe. Dark, extremely cold, historic amounts of snow, power outages. I don’t remember a winter this ugly in decades. It matched my state of mind perfectly. Cart meet horse…never mind…the sun is out this morning. The temperature will soar over 40 degrees today…woohoo. The snow is melting. I can get out of the house. There is hope.

The truth is, of course, this state has been grief. It seems to be bottomless. I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. Losing my beloved familiar broke something open in me. Something that had been festering for a long, long time. Perhaps more than one lifetime. That’s how it feels. I am inconsolably angry – for both of us, you might be glad to know. If I can survive this I’d like to think it will benefit more than just me. But who knows…the longer I live, the less I seem to understand about how things work. I’m new here.

So, now what? From moments of screaming in the shower to resigned meditation, I have repeatedly heard, “wait until spring,” “don’t make any decisions until spring,” “rest until spring.” I yelled and sniped and cajoled back, “be more specific,” “give me a date.” I am so entirely done trying to interpret spirit’s wisdom, or my intuition. Give it to me straight or shut up. And I did – I did – hear back: end of March. March 30th to be precise. And here we are.

Now it is time to discover the entirety of my nature. To learn the language of my soul. To find out how life works if I don’t make compromises. To face east and let the sunrise light me up, now that I am free to be myself.