Category Archives: Mayflower Book Shop

Jul31

empty and free

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Part 2 of 3:

Just in the past week I’ve had three different friends ask me why I seem angry all the time. I’m not angry. I’m enraged. But I did not respond. Each time I was taken aback. Had I responded, there could only be one thing to say: “why aren’t you?” My recently triggered rage is both personal and collective. Isn’t it always? Isn’t it always…

There are sometimes weeks on end when I think I’m doing just fine. No rage in sight. Although it’s been months and months and endless months now of this confounded sadness. And then my dear friend, listening intently to me rage on and on, asked me what was beneath all this? And bless her, she listened to the answer. Not what she was expecting, I’m sure. To her credit, she didn’t say what most say. She’s so way smarter than most people I know.

Go ahead now, tell me life isn’t fair. Life was never meant to be fair. And then, you rage-less enlightened soul, you – you tell me why that’s okay with you. Go ahead. Just stand over there when you say it.

In the mid 1970’s I bought a paperback copy of the Gnostic Gospels at the Mayflower Bookstore in Berkley, Michigan. Might have actually paid my (now) friend as, come to find out, she was working there about that time. I remember reading the passage where Christ teaches the Lord’s Prayer, telling his disciples that it is the only prayer they need to know. Something in my body knew that was the truth, and I have said it every day since. I am not a religious person, but every line of that simple prayer gives us direct instruction as to how to live life, not least of which is “on earth as it is in heaven.” Now tell me again how life is not fair. And again, for all we plebs in the back, why is that okay with you?

Do not ever say that again. Not to me, not to anyone. It smacks of shallowness and a complete and utter negation of responsibility. You have a responsibility here. ON EARTH. As it is in heaven. Behave accordingly.

Easy for me to say. I talk a good game. I’m still struggling to give up bacon. But here’s the thing I’m just waking up to: creating heaven on earth isn’t complicated or even difficult. Can I change the world? Can I make an impact in my lifetime? Can you?

The answer is yes, but it doesn’t mean what you believe it means. It has nothing to do with protest marches or changing the government or saving polar bears. That is not your department. You are part of the problem itself, not the solution – unless you show up free, as in: “in the world but not of it.”

Heaven is not waiting for you to get your shit together. It is not waiting for you to make enough money or find the right partner. You’ll be glad to know heaven is not waiting for you to realize you are enough. It isn’t waiting for me to get my roof replaced, although it feels that way when it rains. Heaven doesn’t care if you are Mother Teresa or Adolf Hitler. And it sure as fuck is not waiting for you to fix it. It IS waiting right here on the lee shore, waiting for you to surrender. Anytime I am feeling attached to any outcome, I am holding heaven at arm’s length. Or as I say, “I’ll be with you in a moment…” Take a number, God.

The way to experience healing, yours and ours, is to be entirely present. My friend did that with me on the road trip to Detroit. She breathed in my rage and she breathed out compassion. In…and out…and it had nothing to do with the injustices I was reporting. I was telling her about the things foremost in my mind, about the horrible abusive unfairnesses of my life. It isn’t that they aren’t real or didn’t happen or don’t matter. They matter to me a great deal, and she knows that. She has her own injustices swirling around inside her. They’re in our blood and our DNA, and they are personal – as they should be. Let’s not pretend we aren’t in this mess together, and let’s stop pretending this isn’t personal.

On earth as it is in heaven means all sentient life has equal rights. PERIOD. No stipulations. We all have clean water, plenty of food, the best healthcare known to man. Can I make this happen? Of course not. But I can choose to live free of fear. I can choose to live in a state of possibility. And so can you. And I swear to you, it is our only hope. It is the only way we will ever realize heaven. I have some questions for you: what if life WERE fair? What if it were meant to be fair? What does that look like? What is life like on that earth?

I am older than you know, and I will be waiting for you on the lee shore.

Oct29

mind meld thingy

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Ooohh, man. I have been going through it. Some dark nights. So I suspect you have, too…’cause that’s how this mind meld thingy works…the past week has been intense. My cat seemed to be fading fast and I could not get a vet to help. My vet seemed to have fallen off the face of the planet. Other vets I called, half a dozen or so, could not get us in soon. They were referring me to an emergency clinic an hour and a half away. I was afraid the cat wouldn’t survive the trip. He panics in the car and goes into shock.

One receptionist admitted that they have been operating with one third their regular staff since the pandemic. They, like all medical services in the area – and all services, for that matter – are understaffed and overworked. The past three years have seen a tremendous boom in population in this area, as well as tourism. We are now experiencing “overtourism,” to use the new buzz word. So assistance just isn’t available, not quickly or nearby, anyway. Lately I find myself saying, “we are on our own out here.” But I see evidence of this happening all around the country. It feels like I’m standing on the beach of life watching the water rapidly pulling away from shore…and wondering what that means…

And I was triggered – big time. In a recent post I spoke about losing it with my son. But I seem to be all over the place emotionally in a way that very much feels like I’m right back in some adolescent hormonally-induced rage. What is going on?!

And so, in my panic (because that’s what this was) I did the only thing I could do – I started working the 12 step process and meditating. Now, as I’m sure you know, sitting still to meditate is almost impossible when you are so upset. And yet you need to get your breathing and heart rate under control. Stop the panic, interrupt the pattern. And once I was able to begin, just begin, to settle…whoosh. In comes inspiration. Inspire – ation. God as verb.

I will let you in on a little trick I’ve used for about 55 years or so now. It takes some time to get started. It takes EXACTLY as long as it takes for me to remember that I am not in control. AND ASK FOR HELP. That’s the trick – you have to ASK for help. Specifically, I begin reciting The Lord’s Prayer.

I think I was in high school when I first went to a metaphysical bookstore. It was the only store of it’s kind in the Detroit suburbs at the time, and it still exists today. I went looking for information on natural healing for my bleeding ulcers. I found so much more than I could have imagined. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was an actual portal to a new life. Mayflower Book Store in Berkley, Michigan: https://mayflowerbookshop.com/

That was where I discovered what those cards were that my friend bought me at a garage sale, bound in a rubber band with interesting drawings on them. They were tarot cards. And I bought a book called The Gnostic Gospels. And in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches that we only ever need one prayer, and proceeds to recite The Lord’s Prayer. I remembered it from early days of church when I was little. When I used to hold onto the seat of the pew with both hands as hard as I could because I was afraid I would float out of my seat and get in trouble. Those huge, huge angels up in the rafters were singing to me and I wanted to sit up there with them.

I am not religious. I don’t like religion. I guess I’m not ready to forgive the millennium of atrocities it hasn’t taken responsibility for. I’m not that expanded yet. In fact, like Elizabeth Gilbert says, “I’m such a pagan.” But I am oh so very faithful. And like learning the tarot by observing the imagery come to life every day for many years, I have learned that The Lord’s Prayer encompasses any worldly concern you will ever have and transforms it – or you – into manageable information. Plain and simple language, like the plain and simple imagery of the tarot, that leads us right back to our divine imagination. Thy will be done. Phew…a greater intelligence, a higher consciousness, has got me. Contrary to all my innards screaming at me, I am, in fact, not alone here. And btw, I spent far too many years worrying about what anyone else thought about my complex beliefs and how they did or did not conform into societal expectations. I no longer assign power where it does not belong. No one owns the teachings that serve us, whether of Jesus or Buddha or the tarot or animals or nature. I speak them all. If you find something that works for you, do not let anyone hijack it from you.

I drove over an hour away last Friday to pick up medication for my beloved familiar. Within 24 hours he was a different cat. He is doing well; probably better than he has felt in a very long time. Dear little thing. Another close friendship isn’t faring as well, however. I lashed out at a friend in my anger and desperation last week. Yes, I was mired in grief posing as helplessness. Yes, she said something that felt insensitive. And we’ve established I can be quite verbally abusive when triggered. I wish there was a pill to fix this.

Unable to sleep, I am writing this at 3 a.m. In meditation only minutes ago I was offered healing, a little loosening…I can only hope she felt it also. I hope I will have the best words to say when we speak again.

I do know, just within the last few minutes, that all of this frustration and anger and grief has come to visit at the perfect time. It was waiting for the perfect storm to expose it so that it could be healed. I don’t have to be so brave anymore. On earth as it is in heaven is not religious hyperbole. It is real, here and now. I surrender. And I can rest.